Behind Blue Eyes

BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!

2010-10-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

PWANG!

'Sup, faggots? Just droppin' in again to chew the fat and pass some time. So let's get on to the fun stuff, shall we?

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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1,298,466,389,902,021 Sheep And STILL Counting...

I have a job hunting spree that I was intending to undertake today before class (would REALLY like to fuckin' snag a seasonal or something so I have money for gifts during Christmas) and here's the shitty part ... I was planning on heading out the door at, like, 10am and GUESS what fucking time it is! Iiiiiiiit's 7:21am as I'm writing this sentence! And still haven't gotten a wink of sleep. OH RAPTURE! And prolly not gonna be able to squeeze in more than a 2 hour nap when I get home, cuuuuz at 5pm? I gotta be out the damn door for my 3D Animation class. OH BY GOLLY THIS SURE IS GONNA BE FUN DAY! *eyetwitch*

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Mew-Mew News

All the kittens are just grownin' by the day like fluffy lil' weeds. They're runnin' around all over the driveway these days, just havin' the time of their lives. And y'know what's impossible? Being in a bad mood with an armful of kittens. Too damn cute and sweet. ^_^

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Hackity-Hack, Cough Is Back

So yeah, it went away for a few days but then came back with a vengeance when we did some more extensive housework, thus confirming once and for all that this is a goddam dust allergy. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!!! Oh well ... more incentive to get things all squared away and tidy again ASAP, eh? For the sake of my inflamed airway. >_>;;

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H'okay! That about covers it for now. You just survived yet ANOTHER installment of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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You are now free to go back to whatever it was you were doing at this ungodly hour.

-- Synhowl, Your Cranky Coughing Sleep-Deprived Bearwolf

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Current Mood: irritated

Current Music: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

And The Beat Goes On...

2010-10-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

*dances around singing* Drums keep poundin' a rhythm to the brain ... lah-dee-dah-dee-dee ... lah-dee-dah-dee-da--huh? *notices you* OH, err ... h-hey there! Eheh ... umm ... oh yeah.

PWANG!

SO! We meet again, my lovelies! Felt like plopping down some updates just to that the "Open Letter" I posted up before wasn't at the top of the page anymore. That and I know all of you are just ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS, yearning to know my every move! .................... Stalkers.

Aaaaaaanyhoo, without further delay, let us mosey on over TO...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Cough-Cough, Wheeze-Wheeze, Someone Come And Kill Me Please >_<;;

For the past week or so, I've suddenly developed this mysterious cough that keeps getting progressively worse and harder to surpress. It's not a cold because I have no other symptoms ... just this cough. It's beginning to worry me, I admit, and I'm highly considering getting this checked out by a doctor. I'm starting to think it's not just allergies, given how chronic it is, regardless of where I go. That and I'm hearing about other people around who are suffering similarly. I'm actually worried it might be some kind of fungal infection or a respiratory illness going around. This just ... REALLY isn't normal. I've never had this happen before. =/

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Suffering Can Be Its Own Reward

As I mentioned in my last FA journal, I've been art director of a "special ops" project for over 3 weeks now and we're finally nearing the end. The deadline's looming on the horizon, but we're making good time at a solid pace, so I'm not worried. RELIEVED ... but definitely not worried. For as much as I've complained about the process to my family and loved ones, though, I ... can't honestly say I haven't been ENJOYING it, really. At least in part. In fact, I think I might've found my calling.

My stepdad works for a company called Zimmerman Advertising as one of the executive directors there and just the other day, he was talking rather seriously with me about the project I've been working on and he's--much to MY surprise--rather impressed with the work I've done so far and how I've been keeping this thing going forward at a breakneck pace with great results. So much so that when I finally complete my 3D Animation course, complete my portfolio, and receive my certificate of completion ... he's prepared to put in a recommendation for me to work at the company! Umm ... oh my fucking god?

This is PRECISELY what I need to fund my game production project AND provide for my family. Here I thought that even with all my hard work and studying, I'd always be stuck as a starving artist, but ... I have an opportunity to not only get in at the ground floor ... but to HIT that floor running! I'm not gonna lie, I had a good long happy cry after that. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my good fortune. And I hafta marvel at the universe's quirky sense of humor, too. For weeks this special project was driving me crazy and I couldn't wait for it to be over, but ... now? Now I gotta admit I'm ... seeing it through different eyes.

This could be my ... CAREER. Unifying artistic minds ... getting projects done ... collaborating with various types of talent ... an art director for a BIG company. This could be the big break I've been waiting for all along and never knew til now. That's ... immensely humbling. AND exciting. =3

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My Kitten's Keeper

LONG ENTRY IS LOOOOOOONG, PLEASE! Consider yourself warned! XD

Haven't had a chance to mention it yet, but my home-run little "foster center" for animals has hit MAXIMUM capacity for the first time ever in all the years I've been doing this. We have PHYSICALLY run of of places to comfortably and acceptably house all these lil' guys and gals. For awhile now, we were sitting at 6 foster cats and 2 kittens looking for homes. Now? We're sitting at a grand total of 6 foster cats and FOURTEEN kittens that need to get adopted. You heard right; that is a total count of 20 little mouths to feed (and around 5 litterboxes, since some of them share one and some are outdoor kitties) between aaaaaall of 'em. This requires some backstory.

For several years now, we have been caring for a growing "colony" of cats that have come to our property and we have befriended. One by one, we've been taking them to get them fixed, thus ensuring that the population is kept in check and it keeps the truly feral and dangerous/unfriendly tomcats away from our yard (we've also been helping with that by trapping them as often as possible and sending them off to rehabilitation shelters, in hopes that they might be domesticated; we simply can't help them).

The trouble with that process, though ... is that it takes time to win their trust enough to be able to put them into carriers and take them to the clinic. For two of our females, we weren't able to get to the point yet where we could handle them (we could PET them, but they refused to let us pick them up or guide them into the carrier) and before we were able to make a breakthrough, the notorious neighborhood tom got his paws on both of them (I've been trying to trap that bastard for months now >_<;;).

As a result, they both took pregnant at almost the exact same time. Maybe 2 weeks apart at MOST. For the longest time after they had both given birth, we saw NO sign of the kittens whatsoever and thought we may not ever see them until they were much older. BOY were we ever wrong...

About 3 weeks ago ... in the SAME DAY ... both mothers literally LEAD their kittens out of hiding to introduce them to us, already eager and willing to try solid food. The more tamed/trusting mother, Blackie, had the younger litter and thus we've already got her little ones fully-domesticated and EXTREMELY playful and social. They'll thankfully be VERY easy to get adopted. Their names are Bongo, Dottie, Rascal, Tiger, and Angel. The other mother cat, Polly, however is not as trusting as Blackie yet, and thus she and her babies are far more skittish. They come close when there's food and eat without fear, but they only allow the very LIGHTEST and BRIEFEST of touches. We're making progress, though, and they're getting much less fearful with each passing day. Their names aren't all picked out yet, but whe've named the largest and boldest male kitten Dezzy. Next blog I'll see about getting some pictures uploaded of both litters. They're truly gorgeous and beautiful little souls.

OHHHHH but it doesn't end there, though! NOPE!

See ... about a week ago I was getting home from dinner at Taco Bell at around 2am with my mate ... when I hear distressed kitten calls from the back patio of the condemned property across the street. My rescuer instincts kick in, of course, and I head over there with a keychain flashlight, trying to find the source of the desperate-sounding cries. Several minutes of searching later, I find them; a pair of nearly identical long-haired orange tabby twins ... can't be much older than the other kittens we've been looking after. Skin and bones. SCREAMING and crawling towards me for food. No mother in sight, nor other siblings. I literally burst into tears and gathered them into my arms with trembling hands, as my mate helped me take them back home across the street. I got them situated in a kennel with PLENTY of food, water, and a mini litterbox made from a Tupperware container. It wasn't until days later I happened upon a miraculous discovery ... BOTH kittens were, in fact, female. Now ... you gotta understand domestic feline genetics to understand the significance of this. The orange tabby fur coloration--much like the calico (black, white, and orange blotched) and tortoisseshell (black and orange blotched) colorations--are gender based. While calicos and torties are almost ALWAYS female, orange tabbies are almost ALWAYS male. TWO nearly identical (I say "nearly' because the only way to tell them apart is that one is a runt and thus slightly smaller than her sister) orange tabbies BOTH being female? This is like lightning striking in the same exact spot twice. They truly are miracle babies in more ways than one, for surely these sweet affectionate little girls would have perished if I'd not found them that night. We've named them Goldie and Sunny. Photos of them will be coming soon, too.

So as you can see, the Kitty Motel is COMPLETELY out of vacancies. It's ... a labor of love, but it's frightening, too. I need to get these babies into Forever Homes as soon as is humanly possible. If I come upon some other poor little ones that desperately need help ... I can't DO anything for them. Where would I keep them? With what money could I feed and care for them? I'm COMPLETELY tapped out, COMPLETELY out of lodging, and the ONLY reason I've been able to maintain such dutiful care of my little charges is with the amazing physical and financial assistance from my family. My mother, stepdad, mate, and grandparents, have ALL helped in one way or another, whether it's helping me buy food and litter or helping me feed and clean them all. Hell, even my aunt who doesn't live with us brought over a plus-sized bag of kitten chow the other day to help feed all these hungry bellies. I've been truly blessed. It's been a literal ARMY of caregivers.

I love them all dearly, don't get me wrong ... but it's been a LOT to keep up with, on top of everything else on my proverbial plate. >_<;;

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Whoo! So much typing! *blows smoke off pawpads* Weeeelp ... so ends another WAY-too-chatty episode oooooof...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Stay sexy, ladies and gentlemen. ^_~

-- Synhowl, Your Busy-Busy Bearwolf

P.S.: Using some new temporary stand-on mood icons til I have the funds to get some custom ones made. Got tired of the old ones. XP

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Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Deadmau5 - Ghosts 'n' Stuff

An Open Letter

2010-10-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

Okay...

I'm not bailing on the old format again, guys, but what follows has been an emotional storm that's been brewing for ... MONTHS now. I've been hanging onto it, keeping it inside, for both legal reasons and because I lacked the emotional fortitute to commit these thoughts to paper (or blog, in this case), but now ... now it needs to come out. It's directed towards someone whom I sincerely hope I never, ever, EVER have to deal with again a SINGLE living day of my life--either online or in person. NEVER again. One of the absolute worst and eye-opening experiences of all my years on the internet. He made me realize just how scary, creepy, and unstable some people are out there. It's impossible to imagine just how much of a nightmare he is until you've had the EXTREME misfortune of dealing with him.

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Dear Sniff,

No doubt by now you've heard of the recent falling out with Allan, and I can't help but wonder ... are you gloating? Are you waiting for an opportune moment at which to heckle us? Are you chanting "I told you so" with all the reverence of a Buddhist meditation mantra? Or ... are you dissatisfied with the outcome? Did he make too much progress to your liking before he fell from grace? Are you displeased about WHAT got him banned? Or even more unsettling a notion to entertain ... has your vendetta against us overcome your vendetta against him, to such an extent, that you'd actually attempt to use and side with him in an effort to do us more harm? It wouldn't be the first act of heretical irony you've committed; you DID, after all, make SilverJackal (Allan's most vocal and hard-fighting white knight) your personal informant and ally, while he let you see classified info on WYS.

After EVERYTHING you have put WYS, FA, Silver, Aurora, Dragoneer, Nakki, AND me through ... I absolutely CANNOT put anything past you. Because even long BEFORE the WYS incident, I have been taken aback by your heinous sense of entitlement, your delight in cruelty, and your COMPLETE lack of boundaries. Because of you ... I have STILL never been able to put my memorial to Daisy back on FA. Your actions tore open SO many crudely-healed wounds, it makes me physically nauseous to realize just WHAT the cost of hurting another human being like that was WORTH to you--over an argument about whether or not a popular internet joke was funny. That borders on psychopathic. The biggest insult of all? You dared ... DARED to try and make me believe that you honest-to-goodness just "picked a photo at random". You must truly think I'm a fool. You were "just looking for a RL photo of me"? At the time that you did that to me, there was one of me RIGHT ON MY FRONT PAGE. In full sight ... plain view. And yet you DELIBERATELY clicked my gallery and navigated TWO WHOLE PAGES back through it just for "any old photo"? I don't buy that for ONE second and never have. You were on the HUNT for something delicate to deface ... something with real sentimental value with which you could inflict maximum damage. You succeeded in spades. Ever since that incident, I've had to start revisiting my psychologist again for the first time in YEARS thanks to that ... All the nightmares, all the waking flashbacks, all the nervous ticks, all the paranoid behavioral patterns and frantic over-protectiveness that I had JUST finally begun getting back under control ... all brought back, because you thought it'd be fitting revenge over an ARGUMENT to vandalize the only GOOD memory I had left of someone who meant more to me than you have the ability to comprehend. That you would dare try to pass that off as a random choice is sickening. That you'd expect me to so easily forgive, forget, and overlook that and "befriend you" afterwards is even MORESO. I let it be because my need for closure was stronger than my need for vengeance. But I've NEVER forgotten that day. Not for a MOMENT.

That's just ONE very core example of your lack of perspective. You'd likely graffiti someone's great-grandmother's mausoleum just for taking your parking space. You'd gleefully commit an emotionally damaging attrocity on another person simply because "you were mad"--nevermind why ... Someone DARED to make you upset. Scorched Earth response. Every time. WITHOUT fail.

WYS is proof of this ... the lengths to which you went to target ME, specifically? All because I told you that if you didn't leave me alone, I would hand over (PUBLICLY available and legally-obtained) information on you to others that would troll you (because I REFUSED to deal with you further), if you did not leave me alone and cease contacting me. The drama that you put me through? The EXACT reason why I preemptively blocked you on FA prior to your ban. EXACTLY the reason why. Only I had NO idea just how truly nightmarish it would all become.

I've never felt so sickened and, quite frankly, violated by someone I've never even met or seen in person. EVER. And I'd thought I'd seen the worst the internet had to offer. You managed to prove me wrong. You managed to make me too afraid to post up RL pictures that might give any clues as to where I lived ... too afraid to go out on my own front yard ... too afraid to even pass by a window in my home without checking to see if I was being watched or if you were waiting for a chance to take your grievances to the furthest of extremes by trying to do me bodily harm. With each passing day, you became creeper and creepier ... and increasingly aggressive. When I found out there were actual assault charges against you and how doggedly you wanted even MORE personal info about me than I -ever- had on you, I hadn't a CLUE just how far you were willing to go. My family spent WEEKS with their firearms within arm's reach in their house. So did I. I'd even programmed the local police department on speed dial. When I saw how far you had gone with Silver? Posting up his PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER and work address for all to see? What reason had I to believe I wasn't next? The VERY next day I was down at that police department with 17 pages worth of printed out screenshots.

I knew I had a serious situation on my hands the moment I saw their reactions to all your "unfunny memes", the sheer CONSTANT TORRENT of hateful images and messages, hour upon hour, day upon day, without falter. They were aghast that someone could have--and maintain--such a violent reaction over something so small and fleeting. It was explicitly told to me by the officer filling out my case report that if it had happened locally? You would have been brought in for questioning. WITHOUT a doubt. The law is fast catching up to the ever-changing battlefield of the internet, Sniff ... LONG gone are the days when only threats of death, violence, or suicide were the only things capable of being acted upon by the law. And in some SMALL way, I think you're beginning to realize this ... the fear instilled in you when the authorities finally contacted you must have been at least MILDLY sobering--even if only briefly. That thought comforts me IMMENSELY.

It doesn't seem to have lasted, however, with your recent acts against this "Catboy" person ... oh, I -know-, Sniff. I always know. And I probably know far more about your continued actions than you'd feel comfortable with. For the MOMENT ... I have allowed the open case against you to remain untouched for the time being, because you have taken no further actions against ME personally ... but that doesn't mean I've ever taken the you out of my scope, nor my finger off the proverbial trigger. One move ... just ONE move on your part that even SMELLS like harassment, and I'd be back down at that precinct; incident report number and more print-outs firmly in hand. You have ABSOLUTELY no self-restraint, self-censorship, and no sense of responsibility whatsoever, so if you won't stop the absurdity, then someone else has to stop it FOR you; the police.

You need to make something of yourself, instead of devoting so much GOD-damn energy towards satisfying your lengthy tantrums. These people you all try to act like you're better than? These "targets" you try to feign dominion over? I'm not JUST a full-time student working towards her dream career. I spend 90% of my day feeding, cleaning, treating, and caring for animals as a foster parent and rehabilitator; with almost the ENTIRETY of my income going towards their food, their medical care, and towards finding ALL of them their Forever Homes--be they with a new family or back into the wild. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. -I- make a difference. Every single day, I'm worrying about the safety and happiness of beings OTHER than myself, while trying to juggle school projects, the occasional commission, and/or temp job, when I get them. MORE than once I've had it come down to buying two week's worth of groceries or the medical care of one of my charges who has taken a bad turn; and I've made the best of it regardless.

I've risked life and limb ... gotten clawed/bitten by grabbing animals bare-handed ... climbed trees ... jumped into lakes ... even stopped traffic, to save more little lives than I can even RECOUNT off the top of my head. And in the end, I try my damndest to bring hope to those who have none, and love to those who have been neglected and discarded. Expecting NOTHING in return.

What have YOU done with your life, Sniff? How have YOU impacted the world around you, or accomplished something worthwhile? In what way have YOU given meaning and purpose to your continued existance on this earth? A career? A goal? A drive to succeed or do the right thing? In what POSSIBLE way do you have the right to try and look down your nose at others, when you can't even make the initiative to do something as simple as letting shit go on the INTERNET, much less do anything tangible or important in the REAL world. Make YOUR life matter before you try and determine the worth of OTHER people's lives. You need to grow up and stop living your life like it's a elementary school playground.

And finally ... having said my piece and purged what memories remained of you from my mind, heart, and soul ... I'm finally free of you. Have a nice life, Sniff ... though little chance of that happening; I know you're determined to ruin yourself and any hope of a happy/meaningful future for yourself, all in the name of petty vendettas and staying hung up on hatred. It's a true and honest shame that you won't see just how far you've fallen in life until your broken body hits rock bottom, in one form or another.

Til We (Never) Meet Again,

Synhowl
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Current Mood: resolute
Current Music: Carrie Underwood - Undo It

All Down With Mah Badass Self

2010-08-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

PWANG!

Hello, my darlings! How are you? Good? Fantastic. Now ... so much ground to cover today! A lot of fun, fun stuff going abouts. =D So let's just jump right on intooooo...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Sometimes Shit Just Works Out Like Dat

Well, the pet food demo position turned out to be a bust and my former supervisor didn't have the ladyballs to give me a straight answer. I had to go sleuthing just to find out that the reason I was given for being let go was all a nice tidy pile o' horse-nuggets. Will I ever actually find the REAL reason? No, but ... I can't honestly say I care, at this point. I'm, like ... DONE with dealing with shady companies, and the Rat Race, as a whole. I'm not out of the financially independent game YET, though ... more on THAT as details arise. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging long. ^_~

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Pain Builds Character

Day 4 of the recovery from my 4th and final wisdom tooth extraction. Best one out of the bunch. Fast, painless, and efficient. Would recommend my oral surgeon to ANYONE needing a procedure done. The recovery ... not so much. Thankfully since I only needed 2 small stitches, those fell out on their own yesterday rather fast (they're the kind that fall out on their own without having to be removed by the dentist) and just dealing with the pain of a canker sore on my cheek RIGHT next to my gums, from the surgical equipment and whatnot rubbing against the inside of my cheek (I get sores REALLY damn easily >_<). Stings like hell, but I've been using a medicated mouthwash to keep it from getting worse and been nursing Advil like a junkie (mouth pain triggers my migraines for some reason =/). I wager in about a week's time, I'll be back to normal. It was DAMN worth it, though. I'm finally WISDOM FREE! Err ... wait...

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Check Out The Peanut Gallery!

And in lighter news, still have my own personal furry stalker! It's flattering, really. He actually attempted to make an ED article on me, only for it to be removed hours later, with the ED admin who removed it making fun of him, to boot. Oh, and did I mention that this guy has his OWN ED article?

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Sniff_Heinkel

For the time being, it's amusing, but it's nearing the point where some legal intervention might need to occur. Especially since he's really blurring the lines between "online" and "real life". I have enough of his personal info on standby, though, so if I need to obtain a phone number and home address to turn over to his local authorities, I can. And I think it's only a matter of time before it reaches that point. The saddest part of all? ALL of this ... absolutely ALL of this ... could have been avoided if he knew what the meaning of "tact" and "respect" are. Those eager to learn more about what caused this moron to enter Uber Rage Mode, have a look at my friend Silver's blog:

http://silversyourstep.blogspot.com/2010/08/sniff-not-mad-heinkel-hall-of-shame.html

Interestingly enough, he tried to use my old-ass entries on this very blog as "proof" that he's better than me. Ummm ... lawl? No. Someone who blows a gasket over every little thing, attacks people for not kissing his ass, and obsesses over what others think and say about him is someone to be PITIED (and hated), not ADMIRED. There is absolutely NOTHING even remotely redeemable or likable about the nutcase that is Sniff Heinkel. In fact, lemme set some shit straight in this next top story, since Sniff is likely reading this even as we speak (hi Sniffles! *waves*)...

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Building A Better Tomorrow From The Bricks Of Yesterday

I've gone through some rough patches in my life and brought a lot of pain and shit down on my own head many a time. I've made some pretty bad mistakes and had to atone for them and strive for forgiveness from friends and family (which I have). And yes, I COULD have just deleted those old journals, so that people like Sniff couldn't use my past against me. But I WON'T take them down, because I'm NOT a coward, unlike him (since he feels the need to hide everything any anything he's ever done, so there's no evidence of it). I accept the good AND the bad, and I feel people have the right to know that about me, as well. I've been high, and I've been low. And it's false advertising on my part to show only the parts of me people WANT to see. There's been a darkness, too. And that needs to equal parts be understood AND forgiven. I don't believe in mincing facts just because the truth is a bitter pill to swallow.

I've been a fucking trainwreck. I've hurt a LOT of people, and a LOT of people have hurt me. Life and karma have kicked me down on my ass just as many times as they've built me back up. And I've grown and learned from past mistakes. I had to suffer and sacrifice a LOT to get to where I am today. I leave these old ragtag journals up because -I- need to see them, too. I need to be reminded of how far I've come. And it's all part of my life's story.

I'm Carina Alexandra Rodriguez. I'm a 24 year old Cuban-American woman, born and raised in Miami, Florida, who all her life, has been an artist with a fixation on fantasy, animals, dinosaurs, and imagination. Many times, I've let myself get caught up in the worst of life and let it get the best of me. I've dealt with everything from ridicule, to rejection, to betrayal, to abandonment, to lies, and everywhere in between. It made me very sick and make me do a lot of harm to those who only wanted to love and help me. It also made me do a lot of harm to myself, and almost cost me my life twice, by my own hand. It's been a long and rocky road, bouncing between recovery and relapse; victory and defeat. I've had to give up a lot and fight for a lot of things that others take for granted. It was SO tempting, SO many times, to just give the hell up and settle for trash and garbage in my life, but those who cared about me kept pushing me to keep going. I made a lot of mistakes and pissed away a lot of golden opportunities, but I just fought that much harder to make up for it.

Today, I'm a full-time 3D Animation Student at Robert Morgan Educational Center and a full-time animal foster parent and rehabilitator. I still draw, but while it doesn't bring in money like it used to these days, it will never make me resent what I love and I'll never stop pushing myself to improve. Games remain my lifelong passion, and the furry community still feels like my home away from home. I'm EXTREMELY close to my family, and would never choose to leave my mother and stepfather's side. Wherever they may move to, me and my mate are never far behind. I'm fiercely protective of ALL my family, but my mother is my sacred charge. I'd pay any price to keep her safe. My very first true love is still my forever love, 8 years later, and I wouldn't trade a single day of turmoil and hardship for all the love and laughter we've shared amid it all. He is my other half that makes me whole. After 10 long arduous years of fighting a massive uphill battle against anxiety and depression, I am 100% anti-depressant free, and have full control over my life and my happiness again. It's a day I never--EVER--thought would come, no matter how much I prayed, but it has. And I am IMMENSELY grateful that life has given me the opportunity to fight and overcome those odds and make this this far, because I know a lot of people diagnosed with anxiety disorder and clinical depression never reach this point and ARE reliant on medication their entire lives. So to be able to say that I'm "normal" again? That's a huge step for me and I'm DAMN proud of myself and my family that helped me get here.

It also took me a DAMN long time to learn to love myself unconditionally, but I have. Am I fat? Hell yes. I'm only 5'6" and I weight 254 pounds. Yeah, that's right. I just broke the first rule of womandom--never reveal your actual weight. Ask me if I give a GOD-damn shit. There was a day where I would have run and hid in shame and misery if someone tried to make me feel bad about how I look. And I made myself suffer needlessly with diet after diet because I was CONVINCED that if I couldn't force myself to fit into a size 8, the world would end. It took me a while to get over myself, but ... I eventually had probably the most important epiphany of my entire adult life; you don't stop being you just because you gained a bit of flab. Yeah, the new me is bigger than the old me ... so what? She still laughs at the same stupid jokes, she still plays the same nerdy games, she still loves the same sweet guy ... so what's the damn problem?

While money remains tight, I never lose sight of what's important. Sure, I have to give up a lot of recreational spendings these days, but a penny saved is a penny earned, and I'll reap the benefits of it in the end. What I lack in material wealth, I make up for with an appreciation for what I DO have. Because I had to fight DAMN hard to earn what (and who) I have. NOTHING is ever freely given. Does that mean I don't get any of the stuff I want? Hell no. It just takes me longer than others because I have to save up for it, rather than the impulse buys a lot of people do.

Are there things about my life that I wish were different? HELL yes. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a bigger property with more space for my animals. I wish I lived in a safer place so I could sleep at night knowing my outdoor animals and my human family are safe. I wish a lot of my closest friends LIVED closer to me. I wish for a LOT of things. But sitting around thinking about those things gets me no closer to them. So I'm ALWAYS striving, ALWAYS improving, ALWAYS busting my god-damn ass. Why? Because that's how people ever make anything of themselves. Otherwise you end up with someone like Sniff. Never achieving, always stagnating. Always in the same rut making the same mistakes while doing everything in their power to shift the blame to someone OTHER than themselves. That's no way to live.

If those reading (besides Sniff because he never learns ANYTHING of value) come away from this with anything, I hope it's at least inspiration that regardless of how hopeless life might seem, there is ALWAYS a chance to make it better. It's NEVER too late. Just get off your god-damn ass and MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN.

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THAT bit of soap-boxing done with, this concludes a rather lengthy edition of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Til next time, respect yo'self and don't be a sucka, suckas.

-- Synhowl, Your Hispanic Fatass Bearwolf
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Current Mood: enthusiastic

Current Music: Ke$ha - Tik Tok

Reflections And Renovations

2010-07-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

PWANG!

I've literally spent the last hour reading over my old blogs ... both before and after my pattern of emotional vomitting on a continual basis ... and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. Plenty of good goes on in my life along WITH the bad and that, too, needs to be chronicled. I'm tired of this blog seeming to only be a place where I come to chuck a bucket full of emotional garbage before going off on my merry way again.

That said ... from here on out--REGARDLESS of the contents of the journal--"Pwang!" and "The Daily News, Damnit!" are here to stay! So without further adieu...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Is This Ship Ever Leavin' Port, People?!

To all those not in the know, I now work as a product demonstrator for a pet food company called Blue Buffalo at PetSmart, PetCo, and Pet Supermarket locations. VERY part-time weekend gig, nothing special. Since I started, I was only pulling in 1 shift a week, under the idea that in the very near future, I'd be getting more. Literally days before my trip to Pittsburgh for AC, I get told by my manager that I've been approved for 2 more shifts for my weekends, effective immediately upon my return. Great! Only ... iiiiiit's been a week now of playing text/email/voicemail tag ... aaaaand I have yet to get a schedule for said new shifts. Aaaaand it's now officially supposed to be Day 1 of the new weekend schedule. So, like ... where the fuck are my shifts? This woman is VERY difficult to get ahold of and sucks VERY hard at keeping me informed ... but up until now, she's at least EVENTUALLY gotten me the info I needed, PRIOR to needing it. Now it's starting to look like I'm already gonna miss the first of my new shifts, because I sure as shit can't imagine her letting me know the very MORNING I'm due to go in. She fuckin' better not. All the same, the simple truth remains that I'm still on call for something that should have already been written up and decided DAYS ago.

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Ain't Nuttin' But A Bearwolf ... Artin' All The Time...

In other news, HOLY SHIT COMMISSIONS! In particular, one smallish project (a ref sheet for a friend of mine) and a rather LARGE and lucrative group piece (I won't divulge actual figures here, but let's just say it'll cover a sizable portion of the partial fursuit I'm saving up for). The former is still being worked on, and the latter me and my friend are still collecting character references for ... 28 furs in all, holy hell. @_@ It'll be one damn impressive portfolio piece when it's finally completed, though!

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No Warranty On Damaged Merchandise

Recovery from my ... trauma, detailed on my previous FA journals, is still a slow and patient work in progress. I'm happy to report that during the entire trip, I didn't have a SINGLE flashback or emotional attack. I have, however, unfortunately had a few over the past 2 days, but I expected that to happen eventually. No reprieve can ever REALLY last forever, after all. For now, all that can really be done is to continue to tackle this one day at a time with patience and compassion towards myself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was a wounded psyche mended. I AM getting better, though, and that in and of itself is a victory in my eyes. So I'll take that and run with it.

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And so ends a long-overdue installment of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Tune in next time for more who knows WHAT the fuck. Maaaaaybe something good ... maaaaaybe something bad! I guess we'll never know!

-- Synhowl, Your Local Big-Mouthed Bearwolf
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Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

The Hardest Decision...

2008-12-12T03:39:00.000-08:00

I really don't know how much more I can take ... I finally feel as though my relationship is dangling on the last few frayed fibers of a VERY thin rope. It's finally snowballed farther than I can handle. It's almost 7am as I write this now ... I haven't slept a wink. I keep going over my personal inventory of the past 7 years ... over and over ... I keep weighing the pros and the cons ... I've stayed up the entire night trying to figure out whether I've reached the end of the line or if this is truly worth saving. And honestly ... I still haven't made up my mind. I've invested so much into this. Time ... love ... my entire LIFE has gone into this endeavor. But at the same time, I've slowly watched the good rot and wither into the bad ... watched everything that made this worth fighting for decay and die ... it feels like a losing battle.

He STILL doesn't have a job. He STILL disrespects me. He STILL brushes me off. He STILL refuses to take me seriously. I'm well past frantic at this point, crossing into manic. No matter what I do, what I say, or even what I DON'T do or say, everything remains the same. I'm at my wit's end. For all my effort, sympathy, and cooperation, nothing changes! What the fuck else am I supposed to do?! I feel like at this point, even if I were on the brink of death, he wouldn't try and improve. And it's fucking tearing me apart inside because I love that FUCKING son of a bitch to death! There was a time where I would have taken a BULLET for that man, in a god-damn heartbeat. I wouldn't even think twice. That I'm sitting here contemplating the survival of this relationship doesn't even seem possible but I'm here all the same.

To some, this might seem a very easy decision--cut him loose. After all, he IS living in MY house, eating MY food, bought with MY money, as little of it that there is to go around ... almost NO ONE would tolerate a mooch like that. But I have ... because hope is a despicable, stubborn little worm that keeps wriggling to the surface, no matter HOW much dirt I pile over it. It's NOT that easy to just let it all go. I'm torn between "even a bad relationship is better than starting over" and "if things don't change, we're finished". I'm EXHAUSTED but I can't sleep ... my mind is reeling. I've cried for hours ... even screamed into the pillow ... because I'm being ripped in two by my own emotions. But at the same time, I'm so ... fucking ... TIRED of being ignored. No many what I do, he never seems to give a god-damn FUCK about what I need from him. I'm not asking for a fucking mansion in Tuscany. I just need a partner who will stand by me ... HELP me ... COOPERATE with me ... not drag his heels and try to get by with doing the least bit possible.

I can't stand it much longer ... I don't know what to do ... or if there's even anything left I CAN do. I'm suffocating...

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Current Mood: lost
Current Music: Jewel - Foolish Games

Haunted...

2008-10-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm losing my mind ... seriously. I'm unraveling like a ball of twine, faster than I can wrap myself back around the spool. I don't know what's going on...

It's been more than 2 weeks since I remedied that fiasco with my creepy ex-friend (okay, I'll admit ... there was a time, years ago, where it was more than that--but that's long in the past and I don't like admitting to it). It was completely out of sight, out of mind. The calls stopped and while I didn't get the resolution I was hoping for, the fact that the harassment has ended is still a sound victory in my book. High fives and happy endings all around, right? .... Right?

WRONG!

For the past 4 days, every time I lay down to sleep--whether it's an all-night sleep or a 30-minute nap--I'm haunted with dreams about this individual. And they're NEVER the good variety.

Dream 1: His significant other comes pleading to me for help, terrified, because he has started physically abusing her, viciously. There is a scene where I actually hear, but not see, one such abuse taking place.

Dream 2: My inbox is flooded--FLOODED--with emails from him. Like 3 pages of emails from him. All similar and same stuff to the voice mails from the harassment calls. Dream ends when I hit the Reply button.

Dream 3: I'm engaged in a confrontational AIM session with him where he threatens me with physical retaliation. There's a knock on my door. Dream ends.

Dream 4: I'm a detective working on a serial rape/murder case. In the end, I discover it's him. He comes after me, breaking into my house to attack me.

I'm scared shitless. Some people don't put much stock in dream meanings, but I do. Especially when, in the past, some of them have turned out to be premonitions. Do I believe these dreams are premonitions? It's not likely ... but sometimes dreams--especially reoccurring ones or ones that all follow a similar theme--are trying to relay a message. Maybe it's trying to tell me I handled this situation badly? Maybe I still have emotional baggage tying me to this whole situation? Maybe it's all not over yet?

I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW.

I hate this. I feel like a rambling lunatic, but it's because my thoughts are all so disjointed and scrambled. But it's one of those feelings where you feel like if you share it with someone else, you'll find out that it all wasn't real and it'll go away. Who knows...

I'm finally losing it.

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Current Mood: cornered
Current Music: Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober

Ooo! A Bone! pick, pick, pick

2008-09-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, bitches ... I need to break my usual shtick of only coming on here to spew mouth diarrhea and slam my footpaw down on something.

Me venting about having difficult times with my mate ... is NOT a green light to start vying for my affections. Still don't know quite why there always seems to be an entourage of people yearning to wriggle themselves between my (thunder) thighs. It used to be a compliment (when I was, like, what ... 15?) but now, it's just plain icky, mate or not. And I've been at this for 7 years ... YEARS--if all of them were full of bad instead of good, do you think either of us would still be here? I know -I- wouldn't. Destructive self-loathing was SO 2 years ago.

I'd REALLY rather not kick up a shitstorm of e-drama ... but this specific situation pisses me the fuck off, so I really need to address it, albeit anonymously.

When someone you thought was your friend but has acted in ways that clearly contradict that fact remains out of contact for a long while, you tend to think it's pretty over and life can proceed as normal. But when said individual randomly decides to call you, I consider that odd. And when it's 4 times with 3 voice mails, I consider that creepy. And when its to a phone number I'm nearly positive I never gave said person, it's downright perplexing. What probably made things worse was that when dealing with an unknown number that is asking for me from a phone-number that isn't mine, I have my mom answer the phone pretending to be me and she does a fine job getting rid of said callers. So ... yeah. Her doing that THIS time probably only further encouraged this individual, but it's not like this is a situation we run regular drills for or something. This REALLY came out of the blue was was the absolute LAST thing anyone expected. So really not her fault.

In any case, I can only think of 2 reasons for why this individual would be hounding after me this doggedly. (1) There was a falling out with the significant other and I'm Plan B ... or (2) Said individual read this and took this as a golden opportunity to try and whisk me away from my "horrid, horrid life" ... for like the millionth time. In either scenario, it's still pretty damn insulting.

If it's the first reason, I'm not your back-up gal that you can go wailing to for a comfort-fuck or something. Way to make a person feel objectified there, champ! I mean really ... what the hell? When I used to do the running to, I'd receive an earful about my previous transgressions and how you still hold it against me. YOU do it, and I'm supposed to welcome you with open arms? The street runs both ways, honey! Besides ... even if there WASN'T anyone with me, I wouldn't bite the bait. Why? Because that's not where I am in my life anymore. I've grown past that. You might consider doing the same.

If it's the second, you are really, REALLY lucky that I don't approach said significant other of yours about everything you've attempted with me while still being with them. The one and ONLY reason I don't is because the backlash of e-drama that will immediately ensue will become a hurricane of hearsay, gossip, and online politics that I absolutely DO NOT need on top of everything else going wrong in my life right now. As much as I feel this poor person has a right to know what the person pretending to love them is doing behind their back, that is just WAY more involvement than I'd like to invest in, to my own detriment, I'm sure.

So long story short(er) ... this isn't cool. All of the drama we've muddled through before is ONE thing ... playing the role of creepy stalker is a WHOLE other ballgame. And I gotta be honest ... I REALLY didn't see this one coming.

This ends here. The games, the power struggles, the back-and-forth? I've had more than my fill of these for QUITE some time, thank you. ENOUGH. I used to harbor the belief that perhaps in time, you'd come to your senses and be able to hold civil discourse without inciting warfare or playing tricks. That may very well be the case, but right now ... I'm furious that you've made my innermost fears valid.

I've drawn my line in the sand.
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Current Mood: assertive
Current Music: Breaking Benjamin - Breath

Reborn, But Not Remade...

2008-07-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Two years. It's been two years...

I wish that I could say life has improved within that time, but it hasn't. Everything that was a problem before remains and new ones have risen to the surface. Like a spirit that just can't move on, I feel trapped in a state of perpetual purgatory. And after so long, all hope and faith that you'll get out just withers away. I can't even feel lost ... because to be lost ... is to say you know where you're meant to be.

So very much time we've lost. Too much, even, to connect from where I was to where I am now. So I'll start from the not-so-distant past, for simplicity's sake.

For the past 4 months, I've worked at Starbucks, a position I've thoroughly enjoyed. Juan remains unemployed, which is an uncomfortable strain, but at least ... money is coming. Or rather ... it was ... Until I had the "luck" of tearing my ankle. It's been more than 3 weeks since I've injured myself, and in all that time, I've been unable to work. And I'll likely miss another 3 before I see the end of this nightmare come. And Juan remains unemployed throughout it all ... I want to believe he's trying his best to find work ... I REALLY do, but I'm just NOT feeling that effort from him. Come to think of it ... I can't say I feel much of ANYTHING from him as of late. It seems the only time he's animated and lively is when everything's a big joke. But when things need to be serious, he's ... empty. Like he doesn't care about anything. Not even a little bit. Sometimes ... I don't even know how he feels about ME anymore. It feels more like we're roommates than lifemates. I've cried so much ... everything feels so hopeless ... EVERY single day, where we're going to find money and what we're going to eat is a mystery. At the same time, there's no end in sight. So what if my leg heals and I go back to my job--I'm still one person trying to tread water with one hand while holding someone else afloat with the other. How much longer can I keep this up...?

Resentment is starting to pool inside of me ... slowly, but surely. There have literally been days, when the anguish is at its worst, that I've wondered if I'd be better off starting fresh with someone else ... A thought that once would have crushed my soul into unmendable, jagged pieces. But I can't go on like this. I CAN'T. I want to be adored, loved, supported ... in EVERY way. Yet there are days he can't even stand my touch, or want to be close to me. I need an anchor, not another drifter. I need him to save me, and he won't ... he can't. He's as lost as I am. It makes me suffer that everything that used to be so wonderful between us has gone cold, seven years later ... I can hardly bear it...

It's been two years since I've posted. And everything's still falling apart.
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Current Mood: inconsolable
Current Music: Evanesence - Missing

Laments Of A Frayed Mind

2006-08-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

I think any moron with half a brain knows that when I come a-posting, something's gone awry in my sad, sad little scenario. This time's no exception.

To say things have gotten shitty would only be the tip of the iceberg. Let us reveal it for the ship-sinking mass it truly is, shall we?

Never got to go to AC. Money was just not there, y'know? My luck just figures like that. Now I have to wait and see if another year's passing improves my odds. Not that this is one of the major things eating away at me, but ... just wanted to clarify that from the last entry.

I'm babysitting two cats at the moment, apart from my own. One (my Velcro's brother, Rubio) I've had already for almost a month, due to a bad run in with some brat's speeding scooter. Cracked his ankle. Now one of his other friends, Leanna, is massively pregnant and literally being eaten alive by large aggressive feral male cats. She's covered in painful-looking open wounds and in several spots, they've pulled out tufts of fur, the sick bastards. *sigh* So for her sake, and that of her unborn children, we need to keep her safe. So she and Rubio are also now with me. Now see, while Rubio adapted quickly and enjoys relaxing indoors for a change, Leanna's in a clausterphobic panic, desperate to get out. But we CAN'T let her out. So it's breaking my heart to see her this way. Most likely, it's because she had already picked a birthing spot and is now unable to get to it, hence the panicking. I feel for her--I really do--but she's really just going to have to look around my house and find a new spot. Which she will eventually. This is only the first day she's here. Also not a major dilemma, but it's not helping the stress factor.

Now for the first whallop--I flunked both motherfucking classes. Which were supposed to be the easiest shit ever: English Composition and Intro to MicroComputers. Why? Because I started skipping classes, back when I had yet ANOTHER horrific toenail infection, and then felt so self-concious and ashamed about my absenses, that I kept procrastinating my return. Until eventually ... it was too late. Again--pissing away two EXTREMELY EASY classes. More angry at myself I could not be. If not for the cats around, I'd be busy cutting. But I just don't want them to see that ... What this big shitty happen-stance means? My dad ain't helping me no more. Lost it all. The car he would have bought me when I finally learned to drive, my medical insurance, my therapist visits, the classes that I need to retake, and any future classes I WAS going to take. It's all gone. All of it. Poof. I was finally going to get to take my major--Intro to Game Developement. I was fucking THERE ... and now it's gone. I'm fucking devestated. I've done nothing but sob and cry all day long. That doozey, alone, would be enough to render me grief-stricken ... but typical of Murphy's Law, it gets MUCH, much worse.

Now my dad--the son of a bitch that was never even THERE for me until he wasn't a fugitive of the law anymore within only the last few years of my life--has the fucking balls to try and give ME an ultimatum. Either I find a job within two months, or I'm being forced to move in with him in Orlando and work for his company. What the fat flying fuck?! What FUCKING white shining horse does this motherfucker assume he rode in on to try and tell ME what to do?! Yes, I understand that I've been mooching his money (again, because he practically begged me oh-so-long ago to accept his help and involvement). But let the fact that he's cutting me off be punishment enough. This is my shit. I made it. From my own bowels, and pinched it out of my puckered asshole. Therefore, I'M the one that needs to clean it up. Me. I know where the mop and bucket are, thank you very fucking much. I can get it myself. I know he just wants to help. Seriously. But he's being no better than my chokehold grandparents. It's not help offered. It's help forced. That's bullshit. And then when I'm crying--PLEADING--for mom to bail me out of this mess as she ALWAYS has done when my dad is getting out of bounds ... guess what? She takes his FUCKING side. Let's him roll with it. And then comes to help impose the law by making sure to punctuate every available moment, that my dad is fucking serious about driving down here, packing up my shit himself, and hauling my ass to Orlando. This is all so fucked up, it doesn't seem real. I feel like this can't be happening. Like some sort of sick sleep deprivation induced nightmare. But it's not. Oh, that should be the worst of it. It's not.

YESTERDAY, I got into a huge scenario where I tried my fucking hardest to wash my mom's car to earn $10. By myself, because Juan didn't show up til extremely late and as badly as I needed the help, I couldn't wait for him. I can't bend over for more than a few seconds at a time. My weight and poor body condition just don't allow. It's painful and exhausting. But I needed that money so bad and I'd been able to do it before. In the end, though, it wasn't up to snuff. So she asks me point-blank, "Why'd you offer to do a job you know you couldn't do?" Whether it was meant to be cruel or not, that hurt me. I really tried my best. Honest to Christ. But the way she said that made me feel like my best wasn't good enough. You'd think she'd at least give me half--or one fucking BUCK--for the effort and stress involved in giving it my all, limited as it was that day. She KNOWS I've been able to do it before. I don't even get a little mercy for a painful body condition. I lose my composure and blurt out something I know I shouldn't have--"What do you want me to do then? Suck some cocks behind Burger King for cash?!" She had a right to be mad about that, I'm sure. But I had just finished putting blood, sweat, and tears (literally) into trying my damndest to do a DECENT carwash with NO sunlight and poor health, only to get no sympathy and my feelings hurt. Granted, I could have chosen something a little less harsh to blurt out ... but who thinks all that clearly at a time like that?! All in all, it lead into a HUGE fight with Juan when he finally showed up about how I had needed him to be here to help me and all of that, so I ended up going to bed angry that night. To then be hit with the previous whammies when I'm woken up the next day? How am I expected to stay sane?

So now on top of the fact that I'm being expected to job-hunt CONSTANTLY, I'm not getting said $10 until I fufill a new task--COMPLETELY clean my bedroom. We're talking vaccuming, dusting, the works. If you were to actually SEE this room, you'd know that such a task will take days. And I need that money for the weekend (Yasumicon is coming--free anime convention). How the hell am I supposed to fufill an ultimatum, accomplish a paid chore, manage to maintain enough gas in Juan's car to be ABLE to go job-hunting, AND look after this spazzing pregnant cat ... ALL with enough self-respect left by the weekend to actually ENJOY my convention on Saturday? I'm feeling like butter spread too thin across to big a piece of bread. I don't fucking need this.

I feel like I'm going to fucking implode. I don't think there are enough words in the English language to convey how I feel. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Resentful. Hopeless. Broken.

If my depression felt overwhelming before ... my life just got a whole lot worse.

I don't ... fucking ... need this.

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Current Mood: helpless
Current Music: Default - Wasting My Time

Life Is A Balance...

2006-04-01T23:38:00.000-08:00

Like ashes carried off in the wind, I rise again. Time to update.

I've rediscovered DDR ... in another form. There's a small bowling Alley called Bird Bowl close to where I live that has an In The Groove 2 machine, which is just about DEAD on to DDR. Good songs, great pads, smooth graphics ... it's fab. And it's pretty damn well-priced, with a whopping 4 songs for a buck. So there is, yet, hope for me. I can smell salvation...

So far ... *knocks on wood* ... my thesis about my mother's crash and burn has not come to pass. She actually, in fact seems to be coming out of her stupor, thank goodness. I guess sometimes ... all you need is time. Heh. I should know. All in all, I think she's finally beginning to do far more than merely survive--to thrive.

School is on hold for the moment, because my next set of classes haven't begun yet. In the meantime, going to try and find a loose part-time job to give myself some pocket change on the side. Also keeps me from vegetating around the house. Blegh.

Already making plans for AC, too. June is fast approaching. I can hardly wait ... I've been looking forward to this for years. To finally be in a crowd I can truly be myself in is going to be magical. It's not everyday you can shed your scruples and embrace the beast for 3 full days. God-willing, this will become a yearly thing for me. I can only hope. None-the-less, I'm going this years. And right now ... that's what matters.

Part of me always still has this ... clinging sadness ... yet even still, I'm trying my damndest to remember the positives in my life. I probably torture myself unnecessarily with my mind, but such is my way, I guess.

I read a very powerful sentence the other day that I want to share here:

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One

Things That Writhe In Darkness

2006-01-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

You know why I'm here.

You know what my presence means. That I seldom come here to make idle chit-chat about fun and happy things. No. No, if I'm here, it's because somewhere--somehow--shit has come into contact with the cold, unforgiving blades of the proverbial fan. And you can bet your tight little virgin ass that it has.

Take this time to use the bathroom, grab something to eat, get a pillow for your back ... whatever the case may be. Just clear yourself a large chunk of time, because this entry is going to be a LONG one. You will be here awhile.

Things are going straight to hell in a rapid, downward spiral. It's like for every positive thing to happen, someone equally bad or worse has to counter it. This has been the unspoken rule for most of my life, it would seem. You'd think that at some point along the line, I'd wise up and learn to brace myself for it. But it always sucker punches me. Hope may be a fragile thing ... but it's persistant.

I'm finally in school again. Game Programming--my dream manifested. I'm going to AnthroCon this year, after I've been saying it for the past 7 years or more. Good things, right? Of course they are. But something always seems to chuck orange rinds at my sweet success...

First and foremost--Flippers is gone. The arcade that I've often mentioned in my other entries. It's gone. Literally overnight, it shut its doors forever. This probably seems like a trivial affair, but it isn't. At all. In this, I have lost a reminder, an escape, a reason, and a memory. A massive chunk of my history has been amputated from my life ... I don't know how to cope with that very well. It was the first place--and only place--I ever played DDR ... it's where I met Erik ... it's where I met the love of my life ... it's where SO much in my life has happened ever since. To lose that is the ultimate. But the wound goes so much deeper than that...

I waited too long. I kept telling myself I was going to get back to my normal weight and return to my origin as a DDR freestyler. To pick up where I left off. To eventually get to be as talented as the man I love. But I waited too long. And now that chance--that day of returning--will never come. And for THAT ... I have no one to blame but myself.

Second and runner up--my mother has been unceramoniously dropped like spoiled meat by her boyfriend. Simply because he "can't handle" a relationship right now. Such a load of shit. The way it's going, he basically wants to "be with her" without the "complexities" of an actual relationship ... and full rights to wanderlust as much as he god-damn pleases. All because his life is soooo tragic and soooo hard right now. Wah, wah, wah. He's breakin' my heart. Fucking faggot can shit in his own mouth for all I care, because he is officially no higher up on the evolutionary chain than the scum that forms on bath tub drains. And what makes me even more sick is that she symphathizes and defends his actions ... EVEN when she's crying! EVEN when she's hurting! It's fucking okay, because she "loooooves" him. *gag* Her love is one-sided and ill-received. Because there is NO way in hell he loves her. No. When you love someone, you don't do shit like this for the sheer sake of saving your own ass. I can hardly think of anything MORE selfish.

This all effects me greatly. I've had to watch my mom living in such DEEP denial the last few weeks, it's enough to banish sanity. It's like watching a train wreck. This is ... the fucking WORST. My first logical answer would be to wish he were dead, but even that doesn't seem enough to sate the seething hatred that has burrowed itself deep inside the farthest core of my belly. I feel like I'm watching someone get raped while tied up. It's fucking killing me. And it's fucking her up big time. I know it. Yesterday was the first time in almost a week that she remembered to make dinner. And hell, I rarely SEE her anymore. She's turned into a hermit. And she's getting into arguements with her mother CONSTANTLY. She's falling apart-- know it. And I don't want to be there when the last piece finally hits the floor. But the worst part is that I know I will be...

I'm trying SO hard to cling to whatever small joys and happiness life tries in vain to provide ... but when shit like this happens, there really just isn't much you can do to climb out of a ditch this deep.

So I really just don't know anymore...

______________________________________
Current Mood: broken
Current Music: Drowning Pool - Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

Belated Misery

2005-12-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well, day before last, I had been meaning to post, so this copy/paste is a bit late...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malevolent

A sigh of reason
Risen
Along the murmur
Of a malevolent love...
Clutched tightly
To the breast
Of a vengeful spirit
Longing for a closure...
A sting of virtue;
Venomous
Continuously purged...
Like so much infection
Tainted
Like the bite
Of a savage beast...
Driven deep
Into the plush softness
Of a ravaged innocence;
Stripped of all dignity
Stricken
By the solitude
Of an ageless torment...
Whispered in tongues
Passed along
In silence
But knowing;
Always knowing...
That never are we ignorant
Never
Can we not feel
The kiss of the lash
Cruel and sensual
Like a virgin rape...
Groped in the darkness
Bruised
Violated
To be discarded...
We wear our blinders
Like a tourniquet
Against the torrent
Of a thousand angry truths...
Love was never so pure
As the sour spittle
Of a rancid romance
Turned bitter on the tongue
Like a foul curse...
We will forever wretch
Upon that we dare not say
Or confess
Shadows are more honest
Than the human word;
A darkness spent in misery
Aching
Praying for a light
In a dismal world of conviction...
That we may be soundly judged
Not by the mettle of our integrity
But by the power
Of our lie...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And yes ... there IS a story behind this. One I'd rather not get into....

I'm so ... blegh ... I don't even have the will or desire to vent. *sigh* Maybe next entry.

Later, losers...

-- Synwolf
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Current Mood: listless
Current Music: 3 Doors Down - Love Me When I'm Gone

Here Comes Little Miss Misery...

2005-12-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

Worst ... fucking ... week ... ever. EVER. You hear me? EEEEEEEVEEEEER.

I could just go on and on. I really could. I haven't felt this shitty in a long damn while. I'm officially off my contraceptive patch, so now my hormones are all fucked up. The absence of the drug in my blood is making, like, the WORST fucking reaction with my Zoloft imaginable. It's like I'm not even taking the stuff anymore. Because I'm still feeling more fucked up than ever.

I'm a fat piece of shit. I'm at one of my heighest weights ever. Not that I've stood on a scale in months and seen the numbers ... I just feel like complete SHIT. Heavy shit, at that. I can't stop eating. I don't move. At all. It's like I'm doing every possible thing wrong and no matter how much I hate it, the subconcious mind doesn't give three shits. I'm so wound up in my own bludder-reinforced fortress of misery I could just vomit. Hell, that'd be a good thing. Purge out some of this lard from my gut...

I just generally feel like complete crap. I'm fed up with a TON of shit. I feel like my life is on a standstill again and it pisses me off. So much shit I wanna do ... shit I never wanna do again ... it's just all around me. I'm drowning in a big, steaming, pile of fucking horse shit. Fun.

I just want to scream ... just scream until my lungs bleed and then cry my eyes out in a dark corner. All this anger, hate, and misery, and I'm channeling it nowhere. I'm wound up so tight in it, it's become my own personal noose. I'm standing on my own gallows and have yet to yank the lever...

I'm so sick of all this ... for awhile I'm fine, only to JUST as quickly go back to not being fine again. It's like I can wander off a certain distance before I pull on my tether again. Fucking BULL. I'm too fucking miserable to even be suicidal anymore. I don't even want to expend the energy required to slit my own wrists. Maybe my method of suicide has switched to eating my fat ass away until I die of a stroke. It definitely fits the bill of slow and painful. The emotional scarring is certainly a plus.

I don't even know why I come here to blab on and on about the most miserable moments of my weak little life. Like anyone who reads here can do much of anything, aside from "Awww, poor baby!". Fuck me. Fuck my problems. Just fuck EVERYTHING. I'm sick of shit. All of it. I just want to jab a red-hot needle into my eye.

There's tons of very SPECIFIC things bugging the fuck out of me, but I just feel too god-damn pissed to go into detail. I might take an axe to my computer if I tried...

I'm gonna shut the fuck up for now and go back to what I was doing ... wasting my life away...

Fuck the world.

______________________________________
Current Mood: fed up
Current Music: Evanescence - Tourniquette

Complacency Within My Own Inadequacy...

2005-09-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

My conditions improved only to just as rapidly plummet again. Hurray for my talent for failure--go me.

I'd first like to comment in regards to my OTHER comment on my last entry. In retrospect, it was an idiotic reason to have a pissfit. I had no idea that these "misfit postings" were becoming such an epidemic--an accidental one, no less. Confounded fake Google pages ... In any case, upon learning the truth behind the sudden torrent of such misplaced comments, it dawned on me that my wrath was pitifully misplaced--in fewer words, I suck.

For almost a month, I had an awesome job ... I was an Office Assistant for a medical school called Medvance, making $9 an hour on full-time hours, often working overtime. I was flustered and exhausted as shit, but in financial heaven for the first god-damn time in my stunted life. But of course ... as we know ... circumstance has a funny way of pulling the rug out from under me when things are starting to level.

Apparently, my position was temporary, despite the fact they never told me this--which they technically HAVE to. I have shit to pay for. Internet, for example. Which I UPGRADED, since I had no reason to think anything beyond what they had originally told me--that my position was full-time. Not "full-time until we don't need you anymore". That's BULLSHIT. So for the past week and a half, I've been "floating", to see if they're going to cover their corporate asses and "invent" a new job for me. Here's where it gets fun. For reasons unknown, the head of the school RESIGNED today. So ... NOW I went from waiting on the decision of a specific person ... to wondering who the hell IS deciding my fate now. This officially sucks WORSE. Fate must not want me to have any money. Because I keep running into shit snags like this every ... single ... fucktastic time.

Now then ... in a somewhat unusual fashion, I'm going to write direct "messages" to specific people I've often thought about lately. To my knowledge, all the people in mind still actively read this journal, despite whether or not they comment.

Kit:
You have no obligation to me whatsoever, as far as following my "progress" (or lack thereof) and offering your support and comfort. Considering that we have remained uncomfortably out of touch for so long ... I often feel very bad about that. I try to tell myself it doesn't bother me, for the sheer sake of shaking off guilt, but the truth remains that it DOES get to me. And so I just ... want to make sure that you know that you're NEVER forgotten by me. And your continued loyalty to someone as fargone as me never escapes my notice. You're still as appreciated as ever, Kit ... and just as loved...

Ronnie:
I hate how we keep drifting out of contact so often ... I was the last person betwixt the two of us to send out a form of contact. You never replied to my last email ... and I can only hound you for so long without avail. I can understand that you work odd and long hours, but ... I just wish that if you were genuinely interested in having my company, that you'd work a little harder to maintain it...

Dena:
You never did respond to my initial email, beyond the small base-touching to let me know that you were in the middle of moving preperations. I was expecting to then hear back from you, two weeks later, but ... that never happened. I truly meant what I said about missing your friendship and the closeness we used to have. I've been choking in the dark ... Just about anyone whose ever cared for me has turned away from me, or me from them. And I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be alone with myself anymore ... I'm slowly beginning to resent the sound of my own voice ... and the sight of my own reflection ... I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I just hope you didn't forget about me ... and that you're alright...

Erik:
I feel like such a cheap excuse for a friend, considering the fact that the only time we ever talk or communicate anymore is through Juan, one form or another. The closest thing we have to genuine contact beyond that is reading each other Bloggers ... A bit cheap and lazy on our part, don't you think? These four walls start to feel like a prison before long ... they already do ... I really wish we would hang out more. Even if it's just something as simple as going out for coffee. I just wanted to take the chance to say ... I miss you...

I just wanted to clear the air a bit, and address those I've wanted to talk to personally and sincerely for a long, long while. You all matter to me ... lost deep within my angsty ramblings and woeful tales, I do think of those that matter. And you guys matter. I'm tired of having my priorities all fucked up. I wanted to take the chance to remind you all that you're still nestled down in the soft, squishy bits, beneath the snarling, biting suit of lupine armor--where the heart is. And no matter how bad it gets, that's where you're going to stay...

It feels good to be reminded that somewhere in the muck of hardship, there are bright beacons shining through to remind me that all isn't nearly as hopeless as it often looks ... Even if you don't realize what it is you're doing, you have my most devoted thanks...

And now ... for the first time ... in SO long...

Love and Happiness, everyone...

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: reflective
Current Music: Nickelback - Photograph

A Mother's Pain...

2005-07-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

My tattered soul is now lying on the floor. My body walks on, but everything that makes me live is still lying there, watching me go. My firstborn daughter is gone...

In my heart, I knew it was going to be soon. I knew. At 13 years, her youth was all but completely spent. As time wore on, so did her body. Pain wracked her bones. She could barely stand. Could barely eat or drink. She slept all the time. I knew. But knowing is only have the battle ... I thought I had prepared myself for the inevitable. I thought that when the time came, I will have already said my good-byes. And be ready to let her go without the burden of sorrow. Never in my life have I been so wrong. You can never prepare yourself for death...

It happened just this last Friday. The weather was worsening--there was no other day of the weak I would be able to take her before the storms struck. Her hind legs could barely even lift her haunches off the floor and she was in constant pain--panting heavily. There was no longer any point in delaying her release. When I went to pick her up so we could take her to the vet, her entire lower body was soaked in urine. She couldn't even get up to do that anymore. We rinsed her off best we could to make it to the appointment on time and I wrapped her up in a towel. The whole way there, she whimpered and panted and I cried. And even as I cried, she would reach up to my face and try her best to kiss away my tears. I looked at her and saw my very first companion and friend to me in this world--but she was far more to me than that. She was my daughter. You couldn't have been more my child even if I can given birth to her myself. And in my arms was my ailing child. Suffering. And I knew what would have to happen to end it. There was nothing else I could do to help her than to let her go.

The logical mind knew the course of action that had to be taken, but the breaking heart could not accept it. So many memories and good times ... things and places that make me think about her--would ALWAYS make me think about her ... I didn't want those memories to turn bitter within me. To have them spoil with the touch of loss. I knew that after this day I could never again think back on those memories without feeling pain at the same time. And it would be unescapable ... I have never been religious a single day in my life since I was born. But I prayed to everything there was--God, fate, karma, destiny, angels, whatever there was out there to guide us--for the strength to perform the final and ultimate act of kindness.

It was only a 15 minute drive to the vet clinic, but they were the longest 15 minutes of my life ... They seemed to longer for hours ... I couldn't stop crying ... The closer we got, the more I realized that my daughter was going to die. That the next time I brought her home, she would be limp and lifeless. I wasn't going to feel her breathing and her heart beating anymore the way she was now. She wouldn't be warm anymore. She would be dead. And these thoughts plagued me. She was going to die. My first child was going to die ... We arrived and had about another 5 minutes or so to wait for the doctor ... I held her close to me. Loved her, kissed her, reassured her as best I could. I told her that she was finally going to be at peace. She would rest. And she would never be in pain again...

We were finally called in. And I knew it was time ... They weighed her and evaluated her, nodding grimly as they knew what I knew ... She was too far gone for us to save her now. Her only cure now was sleep. Never to wake. They took her to sedate her and insert the cathiter for the injections. By the time the nurse and doctor brought her back, she was barely conscious, already limp. And I knew that this would be mercifully quick ... I kissed her and told her that it was okay. She needed to go rest now. And be with the rest of her deceased relatives in the next life. I told her that this wasn't goodbye. We would be together again when my time came. I held her face in my hands as she administered the final injection ... Less than a minute later she was gone--I felt her go. The presence of the doctor was the only thing that kept me from sinking to the floor in grief. Never had I been so relieved when she stepped out to give me a few moments...

I swaddled her in the clean towel they had provided and craddled her body in my arms. Her eyes were already glazed over as I looked at her and it was them that I realized I was alone. It would be a very, very long time until I saw her again. I held her in my arms, but I knew she wasn't really there anymore. Already her body was getting cold. Any semblance of life was gone from her ... I don't think I ever cried so hard in my entire life. The child I had raised since I, myself, was only a child ... was gone. The doctor came back to do her best to console me and to remove the cathiter so that I could take her home to be buried. Without her kndness and reassurance of the fact that I had done the right thing, I don't know what I would have done...

The gravesite had been ready since before we left. Her coffin was there and her grave was dug. But I would not bury her yet. Not like this ... I brought her into my house and bathed her. Made her beautiful and clean. I closed her eyes. I wanted her to leave this world as perfect as she had come ... It was the only right thing to do ... I then fashioned her a spirit totem out of bones, feathers, and fur, set with a small purple quartz peddle. On it was carved a paw enfolded by two hands. I put it between her front paws and even in my sorrow, I smiled to myself as she seemed to be clutching the small trinket to herself. A part of me was going to stay with her, even far below the cold earth and into the spirit world beyond ... I gently wrapped her up completely in the towel and placed her inside the coffin. I watched my grandfather nail the lid over the coffin as the small lifeless bundle that was my child disappeared from sight. I stayed there until the last shovel-full of soil had ben patted down over the grave. I even layed the stones down that marked her grave ... Later that day, my mother and I bought flowers to place at her tomb ... And my mother, who had not been able to go with me, had her chance to say her goodbyes ... The ache and the emptiness was still there in my heart, but with it also came a fragile sense of peace ... My daughter was no longer in pain. And she was free...

Even now, the emptiness and the pain is still there. It will NEVER leave me. There is a void there that will never again be filled. It is her sacred place within my heart that no one else will ever occupy. But even so, I know that I could not have survived this tragedy if not for my last survuving offspring. I have lived to see every single one of my children put into the ground, but I am not alone. I am still needed. And that will continue to drive me. I have an obligation to my son and daughter to carry on and grow. They depend upon me and I can't fail them. Queenie would have wanted it this way. That I should continue to love those who need love and care for those who cannot care for themselves. Never would she want me to to throw my hands up in surrender and fade away. And even now, I can feel her presence everywhere. And it is finally now that I see that she has passed on, but she has not left. She is still with me. Guiding me. Comforting me. And yes, the memories are not and sweet as they used to be. They have taken on a somber twinge ... but even that bitterness makes them sweeter. The pain makes me treasure them more, because she isn't here anymore. Those memories are all I have left. And as such, they are sacred.

At this moment, I feel unusually inspired to compose a poem freehand--

I have fallen today
But that's alright
A new sun will rise and an old moon fall
The new day will find me standing
There is no pain that can last forever
The sting gives way to the ache
Wounds seal into scars
And we wear them with pride
Because they make us stronger
I have fallen today
And I'm still alright
I am bruised but never broken
Because I can still say,
"I have fallen ... but I will get up."

______________________________________
Current Mood: hurt
Current Music: Jewel - Hands

Yes, Dr. Kavorkian? I'd Like To Make An Appointment...

2005-07-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Someone kill me. Someone just fucking kill me. Please.

I really can't fathom my life getting much worse than it is right now. Let us work down the list of things that really suck in my life...

One. I lost my job--again. Yep, believe it. I got ass raped by what I was delusional enough to believe was finally the perfect place for me. Wanna know what did me in? That weak I was sick. Yeah--let's base my employment upon an emergency over which I had no control. They also had the audacity to tell me there were a 'few other issue" that just weren't "workable". The clincher? I was lead to believe everything was PERFECTLY fine, NOTHING was wrong, and I was going to be moving to a FANTASTIC new store. Everything's hunky-dorry. What a fucking heap of crock. I've never felt so damn used. So yeah. Now I'm unemployed with two hungry kittens to feed and take care of. My only saving grace is that I still have around $200 in my bank account and my mate finally had a good-paying job. But my independence is thoroughly fucked now. So goes life. One minute you're on top, the next, you're under it taking it up the ass like a bitch.

Two. I had oral surgery this Wednesday. Yuppers. I had my bottom left wisdom tooth extracted. Now I have 4 stitches in my mouth and I'm dying of pain. On top of that, all of that medical crap they had in my mouth rubbed certain areas of my mouth and throat raw and they turned into big, juicey canker sores. Isn't that fab? So I have this lovely stinging, throbbing, aching wound in my gums that's been sewn shut ... and two burning, stinging, open sores on my left tonsil and the right side of the inside of my lower lip. Fucking joy. I've never been on so many pain meds in my entire life. Meds that aren't doing jack shit. I want to take a sledge hammer to my face right about now.

Three. Some other miscellaneous crap is sticking to me right now. Things I shouldn't mention aloud. The wrong people might come read this ... In any instance, it isn't so much the situation, itself, that's getting to me ... but rather the reason why I had to come to this particular settlement in order to fix it. It's just one more burden on my mind when I'm already feeling like shit. I don't need this. But regardless, it's with me, so it's just another thing I'll have to shut up and take like the whore I am.

All in all, it's just been one thing after another. Never ends. Actually, the other stuff is survivable if I didn't have this infernal agony in my mouth ... There isn't a painkiller strong enough to quell the demons living in there...

Until next blog ... fuck off and die, weeners!

*flipperoo to you*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: fed up
Current Music: Nickelback - Someday

And Life Keeps Moving On...

2005-05-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile ... piss off.

A lot has changed since I last posted. I'm not working at Goodwill anymore ... my ... "condition" ... wouldn't allow for it. I apparently have joint problems that I can personally thank my weight for. I'm such a fat turd ... honestly ... But my new blessing came in the form of a new Hallmark store opening up ... where my first job had been. It was also a Hallmark store. I'm thrilled to say the least. In the meantime, I'm working at the second-closest store to undergo training until my store opens. It's a nice small shop, which means I'm not moving around nearly as much. My leg gets a rest--the Spirits have mercy. And ... apparently with the way everything has panned out, they also have a sense of humor...

And the kitten finally arrived ... and brought a sibling with it. Just goes to show that a female wolf really WILL adopt just about anything. I am now the proud mother of Velcro--a black mixed breed female with very faint gray tabby-like marking and light green eyes--and Razor--awhite mixed breed male with a marmalade-colored patch on the very top of his head and grayish blue eyes. They're both just the slightest bit over 2 months old, now. I got two, because I knew with my new job and all I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with them as a rowdy, playful kittens needs, so a sibling makes for good company. I really needed to have these children ... I really did. I needed a purpose ... a direction ... I also needed a small, new, untainted life to love me and I got twice what I asked for. I feel blessed to have gotten this opportunity. My babies are very special to me. I owe them a great debt of gratitude for saving me ... from myself...

Sure enough, I still hate myself like a motherfucker over ... "the incident" ... I've most likely fucked myself up for life with that one. Hurray me. It probably doesn't help that I never got the chance to "bury the hatchet" as they say. Or maybe it was that I didn't have the courage to create a chance ... I'll never know ... All I do know for certain is that it feels too late for closure ... I missed my chance ... and with it, my release...

I've taken a career switch ... I've come to see that my artwork is a hobby. I found my true calling in natural medicine. I've decided to become a Master Herbalist. An apothecary, if you will. I've always felt very closely connected to the earth. As a wolf, it's only natural. Following a way of using the earth's gifts to heal the sick and wounded gives me a chance to ... "pacify the beast", you could call it. What's that old proverb ... "When you cannot destroy, create"? Then create I will. My father is willing to fully fund the homestudy courses to get all my degrees in herbalism (we have no actual schools for natural medicine here in Florida). From there, I hope to someday have my own apothecary shop from which I can sell herbs and make perscriptions for specific ailments. The idea alone gives me the closest feeling to excitement I've known in a very, very long time. It feels familiar ... and welcoming. It's good to feel a drive to succeed again...

I'd probably be a lot more motivated if I wasn't floored with a horrendous flu right now ... It's lasted a week and it's FINALLY going away ... but I still have sore spots and open blisters in my throat and tonsils, as well as a very aggressive cough--both of which have resulted in very acute voice loss. Only today have I been able to speak somewhat normally without having to whisper. I've missed a week and 2 days off work so far and counting ... I can forgot working until this cough is gone and I can speak without pain. Sickness sucks...

That ends this rant. Far be it for me to know when the next will be ... so don't fucking ask. Because I won't fucking tell you. So ... fuck. Yes, being sick makes me nonsensical, foul-mouthed, and cranky. Go fuck your ass with cattle prod, pisswad...

*flips off and showers the world with her disease*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Papa Roach - Getting Away with Murder

Ghosts Of Bygone Days...

2005-03-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Up until yesterday, I have had "issues" with my father. Having laid all cards down on the table and everything crystal clear, all is well ... I hope ... I'm mostly doing it for my 7 year old sister. She needs me in her life very much ... so I'm going to be there for her. I had no older sister looking after me when I was her age ... having someone besides my mother to turn to would have made things so much easier ... someone who understands me from a more direct level. I want to make sure Shakira has that in her life. She won't be alone, the way I was...

The reunion aside, I've been ... oddly depressed as of late. I cry much easier than I usec to and I'm much more sensitive than I used to be. I'm unable to handle even the smallest of hostility or confrontation from my family. I feel myself darkening again. This can only mean one thing ... I'm entering a new "phase".

What does that mean? Basically, I go through an intense period of doing my best to act as disturbing and frightening as possible in a public setting ... but with each new "phase", I up the anties or simply change my style altogether. I'm going goth/pagan this time. I'm working on several organicly-composed pieces of jewelry. Most--if not all--of them are comprised of bones (human or otherwise), feathers, and fur. I plan to be doing many henna and temporary tattoo applications that are tribal/wiccan in nature. Also many demonic/evil symbolisms wherever I can squeeze them in. I want to be the Christian/Catholic world's worst nightmare. I want to essentially be the plague of religion, itself.

I despise religion ... it breeds fear, contempt, and confusion ... It forces free minds to adhere to a common idea without any hope of individual growth. For as much as the "claim" that you are 'free to pursue your own way", that only applies to those who "choose" to pursue THEIR way. So there is, in truth, no freedom at all. It's sickeningly strutctured ... over-zealious and bigoted ... No, I am not a Satanist. Lucifer doesn't get my loyalty, either. I'm good when I want to be good. I'm evil when I want to be evil. Although more often than not, I like to be evil, but I do on ocassion do good things. Just to shake things up. By and large, I would much rather bring chaos and destruction to the civilized world. I'm the kind of person who will laugh at someone's horrendously broken leg. I get off on watching people drain huge, painfully swollen wounds filled with thick pus. Do I maim and torture? Not yet, but someday that will change.

I feel safe this way. I have a constant terror of being mistreated and hurt, so to counter it, I lash out before they can. Deep down, yes, I am fragile. But on the outside, I'm capable of horrific things ... and I won't even bat an eye. If driven to it, I could probably kill somone if I had to. Would I regret it? Not in a million years. At the very least, I want to beat the ever-loving crap out of someone someday. I wouldn't hesitate to do so. Do I long for conflict? Absolutely. Wherever I can create anarchy, I will.

The wearing of animal/human parts as jewelry symbolizes my disregard for life and death. It's all flesh to me. It counts for nothing. By wearing death, I mock it. The only thing I respect are my own desires. Everything that needs to be done to get them--all the people I hurt and the things I break--is merely collateral damage. Does that make me a cold, heartless bitch? Decide for yourself.

Many things are working to my favor now. My father has given me $2000 to buy myself whatever I want/need. He's paying for my car, college, and laser surgery for my vision (I wear glasses). I'm getting my very own kitten in about a month. All in all, I am pleased with the way things are going. If only life could always treat me this well...

Laters... *flip off*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Crossfade - Cold

Digging Through Who I'm Not ... To Find Out Who I Am...

2005-03-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

I probably say this a lot ... but I could really care less.

I HAVE to do something about myself. My weight ... I have to. I'm making a vow this time. I used to be attractive, you see. I had a pretty figure. The kind of figure that allowed me to where extremely short shirts without shame of any sort. I try to do that now, and I'll look pregnant...

I seriously hate the way I look. Honestly--I can't stand it anymore. I am literally disgusted with my appearance. Everything about how I look right now feels ... "wrong". I feel like I'm literaly WEARING another person ... Pounds and pounds of someone else's flesh ... I want to dig through it so badly ... I want to reveal who I used to be ... no--a BETTER me. A stronger, smarter, healthier me. I can no longer bear what has become of me ... Satisfying a food craving isn't worth the way I'm feeling anymore. Being lazy isn't working for me anymore. I can no longer meet the gaze of my own reflection, because it isn't me I'm looking at. I'm ready to break out...

Somebody toss me a shovel ... I've got a whole lot of digging to do ... starting now...

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Current Mood: fat
Current Music: Rob Zombie - Super Beast

Living Death: The Burden of Existence

2005-02-11T02:42:00.000-08:00

I finally crashed and burned the other night...

Turns out that the "shock" from the night the "fling" occured didn't wear off until last Friday. There was a DDR tournament at that very same local arcade. Juan put the whole thing together, so I went, of course--moral support and all that drivel. I managed to keep myself away from those I wanted away, for the most part. But ... "he" was there ... I couldn't even look him in the eye--couldn't even speak to him. I avoided him like the plague. Memories ... regrets ... they all started trickling out through the hairline cracks in my stoic appearence. The poker face held, but deep inside me raged a war for control. By the end of the night, I felt as though I had a noose of barbed wire gradually tightening around my heart. That poker face was becoming a salt bath for a soul already stabbed full of holes ... but I forced it to hold. I vowed to myself that if I was going to break, I was going to break in privacy.

Sure enough, as we got in the car to leave, I lost it. I wanted to die--whether by my own hand or by other means, I just wanted to shrivel up and die. The shame ... the confusion ... the fear ... the hatred--they enveloped me until they were all I could see, hear, smell, feel, and taste. That hodgepodge of torment became me. Nothing existed outside of that. I could feel my soul turning itself inside out ... belching out all the strength, hope, and goodness that ever tried to make itself known within me. My sense of self was purged from me like pus from an infected wound until all that was left was the dry cracked husk. I am ... truly ... empty...

I look in the mirror and I see nothing. Food turns to ash in my mouth. All the water in the sea could not slake my thirst. I feel nothing. Everything that maintains life I am numb to. If I had the will to have emotions, I would despise what I have become ... but such is my burden...

Merely being alive...

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Nina Gordon - Tonight And The Rest Of My Life

The Descent

2005-02-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

..........

If I sound like a bitch today, that's because I'm doing my job right. No more chipper, happy-sounding posts for a nice long while. That means the end to corny quirks such as "Pwang" and "The Daily News, Damnit" until I god-damn feel like playing around again. I am NOT doing well ... Allow me to explain...

Apparently, I'm stupid. I must be. And no one has had to tell me this--I miraculously discovered this phenomenon on my own. Recall, if you will, my previous entry and it's beginning contents. Have it commited to memory? Good. Because guess what--it happened again. Not with same said friend ... but rather an aquaintence from the local arcade I've been known to frequently call a haunt. And allow me to be the first to tell you ... it didn't stop until it was too late--I went through with it. Am I going through extreme self-loathing, anguish, torment, or a sense of guilt so mighty it could crush my bones by its sheer gravity? ........ No. Am I proud or pleased with what I did? Of course not--but I lack the emotional stubburness and determination to belabor myself as before. There really isn't a proper description or explination for my current thought process. I don't feel like trying to kill myself. Don't really feel like wailing and crying and making a big scene. Don't want piss and moan about how miserable my life is, either. I merely intend to close myself off to all but a select few. I'm basically giving myself the right to be a public bitch.

The happy, social, friendly go-getter everyone has become so aquainted with is dead and gone. If they don't like me, tough shit. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I don't want to bother with you, anyway. My social moments are only for those I have come to trust as friends and loved ones. And even then, these happier feelings will only be expressed away from the public eye. To everyone else, I'm going to be the rudest, tight-assed, stindgiest, most anti-social bitch the world has ever known. And that's the way I want it. No, I'm not issuing a "silent cry for help". No, I'm not secretly going home and crying myself to sleep. I'm fine. My bitchiness is an honor I reserve for you--rest assured I'm happy as a clown once I get home. But for you, I grant the favor of being completely put off by my presence. Learn to deal with it.

If I get the inclination to post something here, then I will--only when I feel like it. So don't come to expect anything from me. I'll post when I post. Period. I have a life outside of this.

Okay, I've gotten bored with this--I have nothing more to say.

*flip off*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Seether - Broken

A Little Hiatus

2004-12-02T02:34:00.000-08:00

Pwang...

I vanished, it seems. Sorry--been a little under the whether lately. Here's a rather gloomy episode of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT...

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If I Could Turn Back Time...

I don't want to get into the details on here, but ... I actually ALMOST cheated on my mate with one of my best friends ... and that, my friends, was the night from Hell. For those that don't know it, Juan and I have been coasting through some rough spots for the last several months. And also, for those that don't know, I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder which I'm medicated for. These two things are a volatile combo--I will first say to my defense that I really wasn't "getting what I needed" from Juan at the time, so a part of me feels I was driven to it. But I will say in Juan's defense that I have been doing a poor job of communicating my needs to him, so that complicates the fact that he's still new to this area of a relationship. I will also go on to say that no matter what the reason or excuse, I almost took things to a VERY bad place ... and while nothing was "done", things went a tad further than they should have, so I had a good reason to be upset. And believe me ... upset I was. I have a chronic habit of self-abuse (both emotional and physical), and I will merely say that I did a good job of making myself pay for it. My overall health has suffered for it, however, and I'll still paying that price even now. Even though all is finally on the mend between Juan and I ... the situation with MYSELF ... that's an issue i doubt will ever be fully resolved. This situation has opened up new and old wounds alike and has caused me to turn in upon myself a bit more than I once did. I feel as thogh I have a responsability to better know myself and try and learn the lesson ... without beating myself up over this for years to come. And I will, if given the chance. I gave vent to my feelings awhile back, however, so at least some small inner part of me feels better. I hope the rest of me is as easy to fix as doing a drawing...

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The Band-Aid For The Wound...

Well, while I never got into Open Beta for WoW (the download for the client was enormous--it took one look at my internet speed and laughed), the game has been out since the 23rd, and it's made dealing with the above post's contents a little easier to bear. I've been needing an "escape" for a long while. While it's obviously not going to wave a little magic wand and make all my problems go away, it's nice to not have to think about them for awhile and just ... have fun--simple as that. Thanks largely to it, though, I vanished from Blogger, but I'll try to update a tad more frequently from here on out.

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Aaaaand The OTHER Wound...

As for my toe, it finally cleared up about 3 weeks ago and thankfully I never had to go to the doctor for it, but I did learn something, though--I'm borderline diabetic. Fun, eh? Like I don't have enough to worry about, as is. So thanks to that, I still have a doctor's appointment for a full physical, which I haven't had in over ... 7 years, I think. Nah, maybe more like 4 or 5, but still--it's been awhile. NOT looking forward to it, though ... They have to do bloodwork, and I happen to be DEATHLY afraid of syringes. Will never know why--I've been like that for as long as I can possibly remember. This is NOT going to be pleasant ... that much I know...

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Whose Wearing The Pants NOW, Huh?!

There is good news throughout all of this, however. I have a fuckin' job now, finally! It isn't very prestigous--I work at a Goodwill store--but y'know what? They're paying $6.00 an hour, which is more than I've ever been paid, so I'll gladly take it. Beggers can't be choosers, and I'm in a DESPERATE need for cash, so something's gotta give. It's part-time, though, so it won't be any worse than my first job ... just with more money. And with the steep cost of WoW, my plans for the upcoming year (I hope to finally go to AnthroCon this time like I keep saying I will), and the fact that soon, Juan and I will be living together ... there needs to be some green to fund all this. Thankfully, that's settled (for now) and I can finally stop worrying so damn much.

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And with that, I end a belated episode of...

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THE DAILY MOTHERFUCKING NEWS, DAMNITALL!!!

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Ugh ... I need sleep ... I REALLY gotta stop making these journal entries at almost 2:30 in the morning...

*paw wavies*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit

Busy Yes ... And Busy No...

2004-11-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

PWANG!!

Hello, greetings, and salutations again, one and all! Had a slightly/slightly not rambunctious last couple of days. I'd tell you, but ... well, that part is better suited for...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!
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To Step Or Not To Step ... OWW!! Not Step! DEFINITELY Not Step!!!

Anyone ever stub their toe in such a way that your own toenail literally cuts you? Well ... awhile ago, that happened to me. And yet, for some odd reason that still remains unknown, it got horribly infected and even now, it's still VERY swollen, purple, and leaking pus ... After over three weeks...! I've made up my mind already that if this thing doesn't start getting dramatically better within the next two or three days, I'm getting this checked out by a doctor. Seriously. Because this is just ... fuckin' OWW!!

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Warcraft ... Oh, Warcraft ... Where For Art Thou Warcraft...?

This ... is the longest ... stress test ... I have eeeeever seen. We're entering day number nine and it's STILL going. No word yet, whatsoever, as to when the damn thing's gonna finish so the rest of us can have a go at it before it goes retail. Perhaps I speak on the behalf of everyone else who didn't get into any of the other beta phases and continue to wait patiently when I say ... WHAT THE HELL'S TAKING SO DAMN LONG??? WE WANNA PLAAAAY!!! Ugh! This wait is KILLING me! I've been living off sound files, trailers, screenshots, and forums since the FIRST word of this game reached the public. It's not enough anymore, damnth thee--I need MOOOORE!!! If this evil little Open Beta doesn't start between tomorrow or the day after ... I'll officially find a way to hack into the network and steal me an account number! Just watch me!

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And thus ends another exciting installment of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Well ... it's past 1 AM, here, and I'm dead tired ... So this is me signing off ... until next time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some sheep to eat ... count--I meant count...

*paw wavies*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: impatient

Current Music: Aggun - Secret of the Sea

The Wolfie's Big Debute!!

2004-11-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

PWANG!!

Greetings, one and all--I FINALLY have a journal that isn't going anywhere. WHAT a relief! Okay, first, it was UJournal, then UJournal shut down, and then we moved to AboutMyLife, and then AboutMyLife kinda sucked, so I found Blogger. And HOPEFULLY, this is it--no more moving. Yay.

Anyow, now that we got THAT out of the way, onto...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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World Of Warcraft On My Miiiind...

Yeah, that's right--eat crow, GameStop!! They said this game wouldn't be gracing store shelves until December 8th ... and then we go here and find out ... we'll be getting it November 23, baby!!! Hells yeah, I'ma HAPPY bitch! The only thing that blows big, meaty wolf chunks is the priiiice ... $14.99 a month to feed my addiction, folks. Ouch ... my wallet's gonna be feeling that one ... In any case, there's still Open Beta to look forward to!! Word of mouth says that Open Beta starts as soon as the Final Stress Test finishes. The last one was seven days long, so this one should be about the same, no? I can hardly wait. It'll be aaaaany day now...

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A Pencil! A Pencil! My Kingdom For A Pencil!!

Soon--oh so VERY soon, indeed--I shall have my very own website for my commissioning HQ ... Beyond A Dream Studios!! But in the meantime, you can email me if you're interested in buying some artwork. After all, I needs that money for WoW!! C'mon, people--fund the madness!!! Give to the Let Synwolf Drown In World of Warcraft Foundation--you know you want to! If you do, I might top your commission with a nice big, red cherry! Hmm ... why a cherry would be atop a piece of artwork, I know not ... but if it gets you to buy some art, then hey--a victory in my book. For more info on what I offer and how much it costs, visit my deviantART gallery.

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We're Gonna Paaaarty ... Like It's Your Biiiirthday...

Tonight I'm heading off to a local arcade to watch a DJ Battle Contest! Wheee! Wicked funners, it shall be! Yesh!! Nothing like watching breackdancers having seizures on vinyl flooring and DJs wearing big heavy bling-blings as they mangle odd rap songs no one seems to remember ... all while eating big, greasy, hot dogs--YUM! I know nothing of this odd pagan culture I am to witness tonight, but it's still OH so much fun to see! So much fun, in fact, I washed my mom's car--inside and out--to get the admission money so I could go. What WON'T I do for money ... Ah well--"ye who sacrifices dignity gets all yon moolah", I always say ... Well, not always--actually, I just made that up right now ... but I like it, so I may say it again. So yeah, I'm gonna party with all the ghetto people and stick out like a sore thumb with all my spikes and chains. They'll sniff me out like bloodhounds, I tell you ... Hmm, maybe they need some cherry-flavored artwork...

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And that concludes another episode of...

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THE DAILY NEWS, DAMNIT!!!

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Well, with nothing further to report (yet), I bid thee all adieu ... until the 'morrow!!

*paw wavies*

-- Synwolf

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Current Mood: excited

Current Music: KMFDM - Anarchy

Behind Blue Eyes

BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!

And The Beat Goes On...

An Open Letter

All Down With Mah Badass Self

Reflections And Renovations

The Hardest Decision...

Haunted...

Ooo! A Bone! *pick, pick, pick*

Reborn, But Not Remade...

Laments Of A Frayed Mind

Life Is A Balance...

Things That Writhe In Darkness

Belated Misery

Here Comes Little Miss Misery...

Complacency Within My Own Inadequacy...

A Mother's Pain...

Yes, Dr. Kavorkian? I'd Like To Make An Appointment...

And Life Keeps Moving On...

Ghosts Of Bygone Days...

Digging Through Who I'm Not ... To Find Out Who I Am...

Living Death: The Burden of Existence

The Descent

A Little Hiatus

Busy Yes ... And Busy No...

The Wolfie's Big Debute!!

Ooo! A Bone! pick, pick, pick