Friday, February 11, 2005

Living Death: The Burden of Existence

I finally crashed and burned the other night...

Turns out that the "shock" from the night the "fling" occured didn't wear off until last Friday. There was a DDR tournament at that very same local arcade. Juan put the whole thing together, so I went, of course--moral support and all that drivel. I managed to keep myself away from those I wanted away, for the most part. But ... "he" was there ... I couldn't even look him in the eye--couldn't even speak to him. I avoided him like the plague. Memories ... regrets ... they all started trickling out through the hairline cracks in my stoic appearence. The poker face held, but deep inside me raged a war for control. By the end of the night, I felt as though I had a noose of barbed wire gradually tightening around my heart. That poker face was becoming a salt bath for a soul already stabbed full of holes ... but I forced it to hold. I vowed to myself that if I was going to break, I was going to break in privacy.

Sure enough, as we got in the car to leave, I lost it. I wanted to die--whether by my own hand or by other means, I just wanted to shrivel up and die. The shame ... the confusion ... the fear ... the hatred--they enveloped me until they were all I could see, hear, smell, feel, and taste. That hodgepodge of torment became me. Nothing existed outside of that. I could feel my soul turning itself inside out ... belching out all the strength, hope, and goodness that ever tried to make itself known within me. My sense of self was purged from me like pus from an infected wound until all that was left was the dry cracked husk. I am ... truly ... empty...

I look in the mirror and I see nothing. Food turns to ash in my mouth. All the water in the sea could not slake my thirst. I feel nothing. Everything that maintains life I am numb to. If I had the will to have emotions, I would despise what I have become ... but such is my burden...

Merely being alive...

-- Synwolf

______________________________________
Current Mood: angry
Current Music:
Nina Gordon - Tonight And The Rest Of My Life

2 Comments:

Blogger `manx said...

*hug*

Even if you don't want it. Even if you don't think you should have one. You get one.

10:04 AM  
Blogger Synwolf said...

*nods*

Yes ... sucks, doesn't it? It's even worse when whatever semblance of humanity you have left still wants to live. Talk about the ultimate choice...

10:37 AM  

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