Tuesday, October 19, 2010



'Sup, faggots? Just droppin' in again to chew the fat and pass some time. So let's get on to the fun stuff, shall we?

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1,298,466,389,902,021 Sheep And STILL Counting...

I have a job hunting spree that I was intending to undertake today before class (would REALLY like to fuckin' snag a seasonal or something so I have money for gifts during Christmas) and here's the shitty part ... I was planning on heading out the door at, like, 10am and GUESS what fucking time it is! Iiiiiiiit's 7:21am as I'm writing this sentence! And still haven't gotten a wink of sleep. OH RAPTURE! And prolly not gonna be able to squeeze in more than a 2 hour nap when I get home, cuuuuz at 5pm? I gotta be out the damn door for my 3D Animation class. OH BY GOLLY THIS SURE IS GONNA BE FUN DAY! *eyetwitch*

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Mew-Mew News

All the kittens are just grownin' by the day like fluffy lil' weeds. They're runnin' around all over the driveway these days, just havin' the time of their lives. And y'know what's impossible? Being in a bad mood with an armful of kittens. Too damn cute and sweet. ^_^

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Hackity-Hack, Cough Is Back

So yeah, it went away for a few days but then came back with a vengeance when we did some more extensive housework, thus confirming once and for all that this is a goddam dust allergy. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!!! Oh well ... more incentive to get things all squared away and tidy again ASAP, eh? For the sake of my inflamed airway. >_>;;

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H'okay! That about covers it for now. You just survived yet ANOTHER installment of...

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You are now free to go back to whatever it was you were doing at this ungodly hour.

-- Synhowl, Your Cranky Coughing Sleep-Deprived Bearwolf

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

And The Beat Goes On...

*dances around singing* Drums keep poundin' a rhythm to the brain ... lah-dee-dah-dee-dee ... lah-dee-dah-dee-da--huh? *notices you* OH, err ... h-hey there! Eheh ... umm ... oh yeah.


SO! We meet again, my lovelies! Felt like plopping down some updates just to that the "Open Letter" I posted up before wasn't at the top of the page anymore. That and I know all of you are just ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS, yearning to know my every move! .................... Stalkers.

Aaaaaaanyhoo, without further delay, let us mosey on over TO...

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Cough-Cough, Wheeze-Wheeze, Someone Come And Kill Me Please >_<;;

For the past week or so, I've suddenly developed this mysterious cough that keeps getting progressively worse and harder to surpress. It's not a cold because I have no other symptoms ... just this cough. It's beginning to worry me, I admit, and I'm highly considering getting this checked out by a doctor. I'm starting to think it's not just allergies, given how chronic it is, regardless of where I go. That and I'm hearing about other people around who are suffering similarly. I'm actually worried it might be some kind of fungal infection or a respiratory illness going around. This just ... REALLY isn't normal. I've never had this happen before. =/

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Suffering Can Be Its Own Reward

As I mentioned in my last FA journal, I've been art director of a "special ops" project for over 3 weeks now and we're finally nearing the end. The deadline's looming on the horizon, but we're making good time at a solid pace, so I'm not worried. RELIEVED ... but definitely not worried. For as much as I've complained about the process to my family and loved ones, though, I ... can't honestly say I haven't been ENJOYING it, really. At least in part. In fact, I think I might've found my calling.

My stepdad works for a company called Zimmerman Advertising as one of the executive directors there and just the other day, he was talking rather seriously with me about the project I've been working on and he's--much to MY surprise--rather impressed with the work I've done so far and how I've been keeping this thing going forward at a breakneck pace with great results. So much so that when I finally complete my 3D Animation course, complete my portfolio, and receive my certificate of completion ... he's prepared to put in a recommendation for me to work at the company! Umm ... oh my fucking god?

This is PRECISELY what I need to fund my game production project AND provide for my family. Here I thought that even with all my hard work and studying, I'd always be stuck as a starving artist, but ... I have an opportunity to not only get in at the ground floor ... but to HIT that floor running! I'm not gonna lie, I had a good long happy cry after that. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my good fortune. And I hafta marvel at the universe's quirky sense of humor, too. For weeks this special project was driving me crazy and I couldn't wait for it to be over, but ... now? Now I gotta admit I'm ... seeing it through different eyes.

This could be my ... CAREER. Unifying artistic minds ... getting projects done ... collaborating with various types of talent ... an art director for a BIG company. This could be the big break I've been waiting for all along and never knew til now. That's ... immensely humbling. AND exciting. =3

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My Kitten's Keeper

LONG ENTRY IS LOOOOOOONG, PLEASE! Consider yourself warned! XD

Haven't had a chance to mention it yet, but my home-run little "foster center" for animals has hit MAXIMUM capacity for the first time ever in all the years I've been doing this. We have PHYSICALLY run of of places to comfortably and acceptably house all these lil' guys and gals. For awhile now, we were sitting at 6 foster cats and 2 kittens looking for homes. Now? We're sitting at a grand total of 6 foster cats and FOURTEEN kittens that need to get adopted. You heard right; that is a total count of 20 little mouths to feed (and around 5 litterboxes, since some of them share one and some are outdoor kitties) between aaaaaall of 'em. This requires some backstory.

For several years now, we have been caring for a growing "colony" of cats that have come to our property and we have befriended. One by one, we've been taking them to get them fixed, thus ensuring that the population is kept in check and it keeps the truly feral and dangerous/unfriendly tomcats away from our yard (we've also been helping with that by trapping them as often as possible and sending them off to rehabilitation shelters, in hopes that they might be domesticated; we simply can't help them).

The trouble with that process, though ... is that it takes time to win their trust enough to be able to put them into carriers and take them to the clinic. For two of our females, we weren't able to get to the point yet where we could handle them (we could PET them, but they refused to let us pick them up or guide them into the carrier) and before we were able to make a breakthrough, the notorious neighborhood tom got his paws on both of them (I've been trying to trap that bastard for months now >_<;;).

As a result, they both took pregnant at almost the exact same time. Maybe 2 weeks apart at MOST. For the longest time after they had both given birth, we saw NO sign of the kittens whatsoever and thought we may not ever see them until they were much older. BOY were we ever wrong...

About 3 weeks ago ... in the SAME DAY ... both mothers literally LEAD their kittens out of hiding to introduce them to us, already eager and willing to try solid food. The more tamed/trusting mother, Blackie, had the younger litter and thus we've already got her little ones fully-domesticated and EXTREMELY playful and social. They'll thankfully be VERY easy to get adopted. Their names are Bongo, Dottie, Rascal, Tiger, and Angel. The other mother cat, Polly, however is not as trusting as Blackie yet, and thus she and her babies are far more skittish. They come close when there's food and eat without fear, but they only allow the very LIGHTEST and BRIEFEST of touches. We're making progress, though, and they're getting much less fearful with each passing day. Their names aren't all picked out yet, but whe've named the largest and boldest male kitten Dezzy. Next blog I'll see about getting some pictures uploaded of both litters. They're truly gorgeous and beautiful little souls.

OHHHHH but it doesn't end there, though! NOPE!

See ... about a week ago I was getting home from dinner at Taco Bell at around 2am with my mate ... when I hear distressed kitten calls from the back patio of the condemned property across the street. My rescuer instincts kick in, of course, and I head over there with a keychain flashlight, trying to find the source of the desperate-sounding cries. Several minutes of searching later, I find them; a pair of nearly identical long-haired orange tabby twins ... can't be much older than the other kittens we've been looking after. Skin and bones. SCREAMING and crawling towards me for food. No mother in sight, nor other siblings. I literally burst into tears and gathered them into my arms with trembling hands, as my mate helped me take them back home across the street. I got them situated in a kennel with PLENTY of food, water, and a mini litterbox made from a Tupperware container. It wasn't until days later I happened upon a miraculous discovery ... BOTH kittens were, in fact, female. Now ... you gotta understand domestic feline genetics to understand the significance of this. The orange tabby fur coloration--much like the calico (black, white, and orange blotched) and tortoisseshell (black and orange blotched) colorations--are gender based. While calicos and torties are almost ALWAYS female, orange tabbies are almost ALWAYS male. TWO nearly identical (I say "nearly' because the only way to tell them apart is that one is a runt and thus slightly smaller than her sister) orange tabbies BOTH being female? This is like lightning striking in the same exact spot twice. They truly are miracle babies in more ways than one, for surely these sweet affectionate little girls would have perished if I'd not found them that night. We've named them Goldie and Sunny. Photos of them will be coming soon, too.

So as you can see, the Kitty Motel is COMPLETELY out of vacancies. It's ... a labor of love, but it's frightening, too. I need to get these babies into Forever Homes as soon as is humanly possible. If I come upon some other poor little ones that desperately need help ... I can't DO anything for them. Where would I keep them? With what money could I feed and care for them? I'm COMPLETELY tapped out, COMPLETELY out of lodging, and the ONLY reason I've been able to maintain such dutiful care of my little charges is with the amazing physical and financial assistance from my family. My mother, stepdad, mate, and grandparents, have ALL helped in one way or another, whether it's helping me buy food and litter or helping me feed and clean them all. Hell, even my aunt who doesn't live with us brought over a plus-sized bag of kitten chow the other day to help feed all these hungry bellies. I've been truly blessed. It's been a literal ARMY of caregivers.

I love them all dearly, don't get me wrong ... but it's been a LOT to keep up with, on top of everything else on my proverbial plate. >_<;;

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Whoo! So much typing! *blows smoke off pawpads* Weeeelp ... so ends another WAY-too-chatty episode oooooof...

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Stay sexy, ladies and gentlemen. ^_~

-- Synhowl, Your Busy-Busy Bearwolf

P.S.: Using some new temporary stand-on mood icons til I have the funds to get some custom ones made. Got tired of the old ones. XP


Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Deadmau5 - Ghosts 'n' Stuff

Friday, October 01, 2010

An Open Letter


I'm not bailing on the old format again, guys, but what follows has been an emotional storm that's been brewing for ... MONTHS now. I've been hanging onto it, keeping it inside, for both legal reasons and because I lacked the emotional fortitute to commit these thoughts to paper (or blog, in this case), but now ... now it needs to come out. It's directed towards someone whom I sincerely hope I never, ever, EVER have to deal with again a SINGLE living day of my life--either online or in person. NEVER again. One of the absolute worst and eye-opening experiences of all my years on the internet. He made me realize just how scary, creepy, and unstable some people are out there. It's impossible to imagine just how much of a nightmare he is until you've had the EXTREME misfortune of dealing with him.


Dear Sniff,

No doubt by now you've heard of the recent falling out with Allan, and I can't help but wonder ... are you gloating? Are you waiting for an opportune moment at which to heckle us? Are you chanting "I told you so" with all the reverence of a Buddhist meditation mantra? Or ... are you dissatisfied with the outcome? Did he make too much progress to your liking before he fell from grace? Are you displeased about WHAT got him banned? Or even more unsettling a notion to entertain ... has your vendetta against us overcome your vendetta against him, to such an extent, that you'd actually attempt to use and side with him in an effort to do us more harm? It wouldn't be the first act of heretical irony you've committed; you DID, after all, make SilverJackal (Allan's most vocal and hard-fighting white knight) your personal informant and ally, while he let you see classified info on WYS.

After EVERYTHING you have put WYS, FA, Silver, Aurora, Dragoneer, Nakki, AND me through ... I absolutely CANNOT put anything past you. Because even long BEFORE the WYS incident, I have been taken aback by your heinous sense of entitlement, your delight in cruelty, and your COMPLETE lack of boundaries. Because of you ... I have STILL never been able to put my memorial to Daisy back on FA. Your actions tore open SO many crudely-healed wounds, it makes me physically nauseous to realize just WHAT the cost of hurting another human being like that was WORTH to you--over an argument about whether or not a popular internet joke was funny. That borders on psychopathic. The biggest insult of all? You dared ... DARED to try and make me believe that you honest-to-goodness just "picked a photo at random". You must truly think I'm a fool. You were "just looking for a RL photo of me"? At the time that you did that to me, there was one of me RIGHT ON MY FRONT PAGE. In full sight ... plain view. And yet you DELIBERATELY clicked my gallery and navigated TWO WHOLE PAGES back through it just for "any old photo"? I don't buy that for ONE second and never have. You were on the HUNT for something delicate to deface ... something with real sentimental value with which you could inflict maximum damage. You succeeded in spades. Ever since that incident, I've had to start revisiting my psychologist again for the first time in YEARS thanks to that ... All the nightmares, all the waking flashbacks, all the nervous ticks, all the paranoid behavioral patterns and frantic over-protectiveness that I had JUST finally begun getting back under control ... all brought back, because you thought it'd be fitting revenge over an ARGUMENT to vandalize the only GOOD memory I had left of someone who meant more to me than you have the ability to comprehend. That you would dare try to pass that off as a random choice is sickening. That you'd expect me to so easily forgive, forget, and overlook that and "befriend you" afterwards is even MORESO. I let it be because my need for closure was stronger than my need for vengeance. But I've NEVER forgotten that day. Not for a MOMENT.

That's just ONE very core example of your lack of perspective. You'd likely graffiti someone's great-grandmother's mausoleum just for taking your parking space. You'd gleefully commit an emotionally damaging attrocity on another person simply because "you were mad"--nevermind why ... Someone DARED to make you upset. Scorched Earth response. Every time. WITHOUT fail.

WYS is proof of this ... the lengths to which you went to target ME, specifically? All because I told you that if you didn't leave me alone, I would hand over (PUBLICLY available and legally-obtained) information on you to others that would troll you (because I REFUSED to deal with you further), if you did not leave me alone and cease contacting me. The drama that you put me through? The EXACT reason why I preemptively blocked you on FA prior to your ban. EXACTLY the reason why. Only I had NO idea just how truly nightmarish it would all become.

I've never felt so sickened and, quite frankly, violated by someone I've never even met or seen in person. EVER. And I'd thought I'd seen the worst the internet had to offer. You managed to prove me wrong. You managed to make me too afraid to post up RL pictures that might give any clues as to where I lived ... too afraid to go out on my own front yard ... too afraid to even pass by a window in my home without checking to see if I was being watched or if you were waiting for a chance to take your grievances to the furthest of extremes by trying to do me bodily harm. With each passing day, you became creeper and creepier ... and increasingly aggressive. When I found out there were actual assault charges against you and how doggedly you wanted even MORE personal info about me than I -ever- had on you, I hadn't a CLUE just how far you were willing to go. My family spent WEEKS with their firearms within arm's reach in their house. So did I. I'd even programmed the local police department on speed dial. When I saw how far you had gone with Silver? Posting up his PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER and work address for all to see? What reason had I to believe I wasn't next? The VERY next day I was down at that police department with 17 pages worth of printed out screenshots.

I knew I had a serious situation on my hands the moment I saw their reactions to all your "unfunny memes", the sheer CONSTANT TORRENT of hateful images and messages, hour upon hour, day upon day, without falter. They were aghast that someone could have--and maintain--such a violent reaction over something so small and fleeting. It was explicitly told to me by the officer filling out my case report that if it had happened locally? You would have been brought in for questioning. WITHOUT a doubt. The law is fast catching up to the ever-changing battlefield of the internet, Sniff ... LONG gone are the days when only threats of death, violence, or suicide were the only things capable of being acted upon by the law. And in some SMALL way, I think you're beginning to realize this ... the fear instilled in you when the authorities finally contacted you must have been at least MILDLY sobering--even if only briefly. That thought comforts me IMMENSELY.

It doesn't seem to have lasted, however, with your recent acts against this "Catboy" person ... oh, I -know-, Sniff. I always know. And I probably know far more about your continued actions than you'd feel comfortable with. For the MOMENT ... I have allowed the open case against you to remain untouched for the time being, because you have taken no further actions against ME personally ... but that doesn't mean I've ever taken the you out of my scope, nor my finger off the proverbial trigger. One move ... just ONE move on your part that even SMELLS like harassment, and I'd be back down at that precinct; incident report number and more print-outs firmly in hand. You have ABSOLUTELY no self-restraint, self-censorship, and no sense of responsibility whatsoever, so if you won't stop the absurdity, then someone else has to stop it FOR you; the police.

You need to make something of yourself, instead of devoting so much GOD-damn energy towards satisfying your lengthy tantrums. These people you all try to act like you're better than? These "targets" you try to feign dominion over? I'm not JUST a full-time student working towards her dream career. I spend 90% of my day feeding, cleaning, treating, and caring for animals as a foster parent and rehabilitator; with almost the ENTIRETY of my income going towards their food, their medical care, and towards finding ALL of them their Forever Homes--be they with a new family or back into the wild. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. -I- make a difference. Every single day, I'm worrying about the safety and happiness of beings OTHER than myself, while trying to juggle school projects, the occasional commission, and/or temp job, when I get them. MORE than once I've had it come down to buying two week's worth of groceries or the medical care of one of my charges who has taken a bad turn; and I've made the best of it regardless.

I've risked life and limb ... gotten clawed/bitten by grabbing animals bare-handed ... climbed trees ... jumped into lakes ... even stopped traffic, to save more little lives than I can even RECOUNT off the top of my head. And in the end, I try my damndest to bring hope to those who have none, and love to those who have been neglected and discarded. Expecting NOTHING in return.

What have YOU done with your life, Sniff? How have YOU impacted the world around you, or accomplished something worthwhile? In what way have YOU given meaning and purpose to your continued existance on this earth? A career? A goal? A drive to succeed or do the right thing? In what POSSIBLE way do you have the right to try and look down your nose at others, when you can't even make the initiative to do something as simple as letting shit go on the INTERNET, much less do anything tangible or important in the REAL world. Make YOUR life matter before you try and determine the worth of OTHER people's lives. You need to grow up and stop living your life like it's a elementary school playground.

And finally ... having said my piece and purged what memories remained of you from my mind, heart, and soul ... I'm finally free of you. Have a nice life, Sniff ... though little chance of that happening; I know you're determined to ruin yourself and any hope of a happy/meaningful future for yourself, all in the name of petty vendettas and staying hung up on hatred. It's a true and honest shame that you won't see just how far you've fallen in life until your broken body hits rock bottom, in one form or another.

Til We (Never) Meet Again,

Current Mood: resolute
Current Music:
Carrie Underwood - Undo It

Saturday, August 21, 2010

All Down With Mah Badass Self


Hello, my darlings! How are you? Good? Fantastic. Now ... so much ground to cover today! A lot of fun, fun stuff going abouts. =D So let's just jump right on intooooo...

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Sometimes Shit Just Works Out Like Dat

Well, the pet food demo position turned out to be a bust and my former supervisor didn't have the ladyballs to give me a straight answer. I had to go sleuthing just to find out that the reason I was given for being let go was all a nice tidy pile o' horse-nuggets. Will I ever actually find the REAL reason? No, but ... I can't honestly say I care, at this point. I'm, like ... DONE with dealing with shady companies, and the Rat Race, as a whole. I'm not out of the financially independent game YET, though ... more on THAT as details arise. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging long. ^_~

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Pain Builds Character

Day 4 of the recovery from my 4th and final wisdom tooth extraction. Best one out of the bunch. Fast, painless, and efficient. Would recommend my oral surgeon to ANYONE needing a procedure done. The recovery ... not so much. Thankfully since I only needed 2 small stitches, those fell out on their own yesterday rather fast (they're the kind that fall out on their own without having to be removed by the dentist) and just dealing with the pain of a canker sore on my cheek RIGHT next to my gums, from the surgical equipment and whatnot rubbing against the inside of my cheek (I get sores REALLY damn easily >_<). Stings like hell, but I've been using a medicated mouthwash to keep it from getting worse and been nursing Advil like a junkie (mouth pain triggers my migraines for some reason =/). I wager in about a week's time, I'll be back to normal. It was DAMN worth it, though. I'm finally WISDOM FREE! Err ... wait...

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Check Out The Peanut Gallery!

And in lighter news, still have my own personal furry stalker! It's flattering, really. He actually attempted to make an ED article on me, only for it to be removed hours later, with the ED admin who removed it making fun of him, to boot. Oh, and did I mention that this guy has his OWN ED article?


For the time being, it's amusing, but it's nearing the point where some legal intervention might need to occur. Especially since he's really blurring the lines between "online" and "real life". I have enough of his personal info on standby, though, so if I need to obtain a phone number and home address to turn over to his local authorities, I can. And I think it's only a matter of time before it reaches that point. The saddest part of all? ALL of this ... absolutely ALL of this ... could have been avoided if he knew what the meaning of "tact" and "respect" are. Those eager to learn more about what caused this moron to enter Uber Rage Mode, have a look at my friend Silver's blog:


Interestingly enough, he tried to use my old-ass entries on this very blog as "proof" that he's better than me. Ummm ... lawl? No. Someone who blows a gasket over every little thing, attacks people for not kissing his ass, and obsesses over what others think and say about him is someone to be PITIED (and hated), not ADMIRED. There is absolutely NOTHING even remotely redeemable or likable about the nutcase that is Sniff Heinkel. In fact, lemme set some shit straight in this next top story, since Sniff is likely reading this even as we speak (hi Sniffles! *waves*)...

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Building A Better Tomorrow From The Bricks Of Yesterday

I've gone through some rough patches in my life and brought a lot of pain and shit down on my own head many a time. I've made some pretty bad mistakes and had to atone for them and strive for forgiveness from friends and family (which I have). And yes, I COULD have just deleted those old journals, so that people like Sniff couldn't use my past against me. But I WON'T take them down, because I'm NOT a coward, unlike him (since he feels the need to hide everything any anything he's ever done, so there's no evidence of it). I accept the good AND the bad, and I feel people have the right to know that about me, as well. I've been high, and I've been low. And it's false advertising on my part to show only the parts of me people WANT to see. There's been a darkness, too. And that needs to equal parts be understood AND forgiven. I don't believe in mincing facts just because the truth is a bitter pill to swallow.

I've been a fucking trainwreck. I've hurt a LOT of people, and a LOT of people have hurt me. Life and karma have kicked me down on my ass just as many times as they've built me back up. And I've grown and learned from past mistakes. I had to suffer and sacrifice a LOT to get to where I am today. I leave these old ragtag journals up because -I- need to see them, too. I need to be reminded of how far I've come. And it's all part of my life's story.

I'm Carina Alexandra Rodriguez. I'm a 24 year old Cuban-American woman, born and raised in Miami, Florida, who all her life, has been an artist with a fixation on fantasy, animals, dinosaurs, and imagination. Many times, I've let myself get caught up in the worst of life and let it get the best of me. I've dealt with everything from ridicule, to rejection, to betrayal, to abandonment, to lies, and everywhere in between. It made me very sick and make me do a lot of harm to those who only wanted to love and help me. It also made me do a lot of harm to myself, and almost cost me my life twice, by my own hand. It's been a long and rocky road, bouncing between recovery and relapse; victory and defeat. I've had to give up a lot and fight for a lot of things that others take for granted. It was SO tempting, SO many times, to just give the hell up and settle for trash and garbage in my life, but those who cared about me kept pushing me to keep going. I made a lot of mistakes and pissed away a lot of golden opportunities, but I just fought that much harder to make up for it.

Today, I'm a full-time 3D Animation Student at Robert Morgan Educational Center and a full-time animal foster parent and rehabilitator. I still draw, but while it doesn't bring in money like it used to these days, it will never make me resent what I love and I'll never stop pushing myself to improve. Games remain my lifelong passion, and the furry community still feels like my home away from home. I'm EXTREMELY close to my family, and would never choose to leave my mother and stepfather's side. Wherever they may move to, me and my mate are never far behind. I'm fiercely protective of ALL my family, but my mother is my sacred charge. I'd pay any price to keep her safe. My very first true love is still my forever love, 8 years later, and I wouldn't trade a single day of turmoil and hardship for all the love and laughter we've shared amid it all. He is my other half that makes me whole. After 10 long arduous years of fighting a massive uphill battle against anxiety and depression, I am 100% anti-depressant free, and have full control over my life and my happiness again. It's a day I never--EVER--thought would come, no matter how much I prayed, but it has. And I am IMMENSELY grateful that life has given me the opportunity to fight and overcome those odds and make this this far, because I know a lot of people diagnosed with anxiety disorder and clinical depression never reach this point and ARE reliant on medication their entire lives. So to be able to say that I'm "normal" again? That's a huge step for me and I'm DAMN proud of myself and my family that helped me get here.

It also took me a DAMN long time to learn to love myself unconditionally, but I have. Am I fat? Hell yes. I'm only 5'6" and I weight 254 pounds. Yeah, that's right. I just broke the first rule of womandom--never reveal your actual weight. Ask me if I give a GOD-damn shit. There was a day where I would have run and hid in shame and misery if someone tried to make me feel bad about how I look. And I made myself suffer needlessly with diet after diet because I was CONVINCED that if I couldn't force myself to fit into a size 8, the world would end. It took me a while to get over myself, but ... I eventually had probably the most important epiphany of my entire adult life; you don't stop being you just because you gained a bit of flab. Yeah, the new me is bigger than the old me ... so what? She still laughs at the same stupid jokes, she still plays the same nerdy games, she still loves the same sweet guy ... so what's the damn problem?

While money remains tight, I never lose sight of what's important. Sure, I have to give up a lot of recreational spendings these days, but a penny saved is a penny earned, and I'll reap the benefits of it in the end. What I lack in material wealth, I make up for with an appreciation for what I DO have. Because I had to fight DAMN hard to earn what (and who) I have. NOTHING is ever freely given. Does that mean I don't get any of the stuff I want? Hell no. It just takes me longer than others because I have to save up for it, rather than the impulse buys a lot of people do.

Are there things about my life that I wish were different? HELL yes. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a bigger property with more space for my animals. I wish I lived in a safer place so I could sleep at night knowing my outdoor animals and my human family are safe. I wish a lot of my closest friends LIVED closer to me. I wish for a LOT of things. But sitting around thinking about those things gets me no closer to them. So I'm ALWAYS striving, ALWAYS improving, ALWAYS busting my god-damn ass. Why? Because that's how people ever make anything of themselves. Otherwise you end up with someone like Sniff. Never achieving, always stagnating. Always in the same rut making the same mistakes while doing everything in their power to shift the blame to someone OTHER than themselves. That's no way to live.

If those reading (besides Sniff because he never learns ANYTHING of value) come away from this with anything, I hope it's at least inspiration that regardless of how hopeless life might seem, there is ALWAYS a chance to make it better. It's NEVER too late. Just get off your god-damn ass and MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN.

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THAT bit of soap-boxing done with, this concludes a rather lengthy edition of...

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Til next time, respect yo'self and don't be a sucka, suckas.

-- Synhowl, Your Hispanic Fatass Bearwolf

Current Mood: enthusiastic

Current Music: Ke$ha - Tik Tok

Friday, July 02, 2010

Reflections And Renovations


I've literally spent the last hour reading over my old blogs ... both before and after my pattern of emotional vomitting on a continual basis ... and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. Plenty of good goes on in my life along WITH the bad and that, too, needs to be chronicled. I'm tired of this blog seeming to only be a place where I come to chuck a bucket full of emotional garbage before going off on my merry way again.

That said ... from here on out--REGARDLESS of the contents of the journal--"Pwang!" and "The Daily News, Damnit!" are here to stay! So without further adieu...

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Is This Ship Ever Leavin' Port, People?!

To all those not in the know, I now work as a product demonstrator for a pet food company called Blue Buffalo at PetSmart, PetCo, and Pet Supermarket locations. VERY part-time weekend gig, nothing special. Since I started, I was only pulling in 1 shift a week, under the idea that in the very near future, I'd be getting more. Literally days before my trip to Pittsburgh for AC, I get told by my manager that I've been approved for 2 more shifts for my weekends, effective immediately upon my return. Great! Only ... iiiiiit's been a week now of playing text/email/voicemail tag ... aaaaand I have yet to get a schedule for said new shifts. Aaaaand it's now officially supposed to be Day 1 of the new weekend schedule. So, like ... where the fuck are my shifts? This woman is VERY difficult to get ahold of and sucks VERY hard at keeping me informed ... but up until now, she's at least EVENTUALLY gotten me the info I needed, PRIOR to needing it. Now it's starting to look like I'm already gonna miss the first of my new shifts, because I sure as shit can't imagine her letting me know the very MORNING I'm due to go in. She fuckin' better not. All the same, the simple truth remains that I'm still on call for something that should have already been written up and decided DAYS ago.

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Ain't Nuttin' But A Bearwolf ... Artin' All The Time...

In other news, HOLY SHIT COMMISSIONS! In particular, one smallish project (a ref sheet for a friend of mine) and a rather LARGE and lucrative group piece (I won't divulge actual figures here, but let's just say it'll cover a sizable portion of the partial fursuit I'm saving up for). The former is still being worked on, and the latter me and my friend are still collecting character references for ... 28 furs in all, holy hell. @_@ It'll be one damn impressive portfolio piece when it's finally completed, though!

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No Warranty On Damaged Merchandise

Recovery from my ... trauma, detailed on my previous FA journals, is still a slow and patient work in progress. I'm happy to report that during the entire trip, I didn't have a SINGLE flashback or emotional attack. I have, however, unfortunately had a few over the past 2 days, but I expected that to happen eventually. No reprieve can ever REALLY last forever, after all. For now, all that can really be done is to continue to tackle this one day at a time with patience and compassion towards myself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was a wounded psyche mended. I AM getting better, though, and that in and of itself is a victory in my eyes. So I'll take that and run with it.

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And so ends a long-overdue installment of...

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Tune in next time for more who knows WHAT the fuck. Maaaaaybe something good ... maaaaaybe something bad! I guess we'll never know!

-- Synhowl, Your Local Big-Mouthed Bearwolf
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music:
Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Hardest Decision...

I really don't know how much more I can take ... I finally feel as though my relationship is dangling on the last few frayed fibers of a VERY thin rope. It's finally snowballed farther than I can handle. It's almost 7am as I write this now ... I haven't slept a wink. I keep going over my personal inventory of the past 7 years ... over and over ... I keep weighing the pros and the cons ... I've stayed up the entire night trying to figure out whether I've reached the end of the line or if this is truly worth saving. And honestly ... I still haven't made up my mind. I've invested so much into this. Time ... love ... my entire LIFE has gone into this endeavor. But at the same time, I've slowly watched the good rot and wither into the bad ... watched everything that made this worth fighting for decay and die ... it feels like a losing battle.

He STILL doesn't have a job. He STILL disrespects me. He STILL brushes me off. He STILL refuses to take me seriously. I'm well past frantic at this point, crossing into manic. No matter what I do, what I say, or even what I DON'T do or say, everything remains the same. I'm at my wit's end. For all my effort, sympathy, and cooperation, nothing changes! What the fuck else am I supposed to do?! I feel like at this point, even if I were on the brink of death, he wouldn't try and improve. And it's fucking tearing me apart inside because I love that FUCKING son of a bitch to death! There was a time where I would have taken a BULLET for that man, in a god-damn heartbeat. I wouldn't even think twice. That I'm sitting here contemplating the survival of this relationship doesn't even seem possible but I'm here all the same.

To some, this might seem a very easy decision--cut him loose. After all, he IS living in MY house, eating MY food, bought with MY money, as little of it that there is to go around ... almost NO ONE would tolerate a mooch like that. But I have ... because hope is a despicable, stubborn little worm that keeps wriggling to the surface, no matter HOW much dirt I pile over it. It's NOT that easy to just let it all go. I'm torn between "even a bad relationship is better than starting over" and "if things don't change, we're finished". I'm EXHAUSTED but I can't sleep ... my mind is reeling. I've cried for hours ... even screamed into the pillow ... because I'm being ripped in two by my own emotions. But at the same time, I'm so ... fucking ... TIRED of being ignored. No many what I do, he never seems to give a god-damn FUCK about what I need from him. I'm not asking for a fucking mansion in Tuscany. I just need a partner who will stand by me ... HELP me ... COOPERATE with me ... not drag his heels and try to get by with doing the least bit possible.

I can't stand it much longer ... I don't know what to do ... or if there's even anything left I CAN do. I'm suffocating...


Current Mood: lost 
Current Music:
Jewel - Foolish Games

Thursday, October 09, 2008


I feel like I'm losing my mind ... seriously. I'm unraveling like a ball of twine, faster than I can wrap myself back around the spool. I don't know what's going on...

It's been more than 2 weeks since I remedied that fiasco with my creepy ex-friend (okay, I'll admit ... there was a time, years ago, where it was more than that--but that's long in the past and I don't like admitting to it). It was completely out of sight, out of mind. The calls stopped and while I didn't get the resolution I was hoping for, the fact that the harassment has ended is still a sound victory in my book. High fives and happy endings all around, right? .... Right?


For the past 4 days, every time I lay down to sleep--whether it's an all-night sleep or a 30-minute nap--I'm haunted with dreams about this individual. And they're NEVER the good variety.

Dream 1: His significant other comes pleading to me for help, terrified, because he has started physically abusing her, viciously. There is a scene where I actually hear, but not see, one such abuse taking place.

Dream 2: My inbox is flooded--FLOODED--with emails from him. Like 3 pages of emails from him. All similar and same stuff to the voice mails from the harassment calls. Dream ends when I hit the Reply button.

Dream 3: I'm engaged in a confrontational AIM session with him where he threatens me with physical retaliation. There's a knock on my door. Dream ends.

Dream 4: I'm a detective working on a serial rape/murder case. In the end, I discover it's him. He comes after me, breaking into my house to attack me.

I'm scared shitless. Some people don't put much stock in dream meanings, but I do. Especially when, in the past, some of them have turned out to be premonitions. Do I believe these dreams are premonitions? It's not likely ... but sometimes dreams--especially reoccurring ones or ones that all follow a similar theme--are trying to relay a message. Maybe it's trying to tell me I handled this situation badly? Maybe I still have emotional baggage tying me to this whole situation? Maybe it's all not over yet?

I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW.

I hate this. I feel like a rambling lunatic, but it's because my thoughts are all so disjointed and scrambled. But it's one of those feelings where you feel like if you share it with someone else, you'll find out that it all wasn't real and it'll go away. Who knows...

I'm finally losing it.

Current Mood: cornered
Current Music: Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober