Friday, December 12, 2008

The Hardest Decision...

I really don't know how much more I can take ... I finally feel as though my relationship is dangling on the last few frayed fibers of a VERY thin rope. It's finally snowballed farther than I can handle. It's almost 7am as I write this now ... I haven't slept a wink. I keep going over my personal inventory of the past 7 years ... over and over ... I keep weighing the pros and the cons ... I've stayed up the entire night trying to figure out whether I've reached the end of the line or if this is truly worth saving. And honestly ... I still haven't made up my mind. I've invested so much into this. Time ... love ... my entire LIFE has gone into this endeavor. But at the same time, I've slowly watched the good rot and wither into the bad ... watched everything that made this worth fighting for decay and die ... it feels like a losing battle.

He STILL doesn't have a job. He STILL disrespects me. He STILL brushes me off. He STILL refuses to take me seriously. I'm well past frantic at this point, crossing into manic. No matter what I do, what I say, or even what I DON'T do or say, everything remains the same. I'm at my wit's end. For all my effort, sympathy, and cooperation, nothing changes! What the fuck else am I supposed to do?! I feel like at this point, even if I were on the brink of death, he wouldn't try and improve. And it's fucking tearing me apart inside because I love that FUCKING son of a bitch to death! There was a time where I would have taken a BULLET for that man, in a god-damn heartbeat. I wouldn't even think twice. That I'm sitting here contemplating the survival of this relationship doesn't even seem possible but I'm here all the same.

To some, this might seem a very easy decision--cut him loose. After all, he IS living in MY house, eating MY food, bought with MY money, as little of it that there is to go around ... almost NO ONE would tolerate a mooch like that. But I have ... because hope is a despicable, stubborn little worm that keeps wriggling to the surface, no matter HOW much dirt I pile over it. It's NOT that easy to just let it all go. I'm torn between "even a bad relationship is better than starting over" and "if things don't change, we're finished". I'm EXHAUSTED but I can't sleep ... my mind is reeling. I've cried for hours ... even screamed into the pillow ... because I'm being ripped in two by my own emotions. But at the same time, I'm so ... fucking ... TIRED of being ignored. No many what I do, he never seems to give a god-damn FUCK about what I need from him. I'm not asking for a fucking mansion in Tuscany. I just need a partner who will stand by me ... HELP me ... COOPERATE with me ... not drag his heels and try to get by with doing the least bit possible.

I can't stand it much longer ... I don't know what to do ... or if there's even anything left I CAN do. I'm suffocating...


Current Mood: lost 
Current Music:
Jewel - Foolish Games