Saturday, August 21, 2010

All Down With Mah Badass Self


Hello, my darlings! How are you? Good? Fantastic. Now ... so much ground to cover today! A lot of fun, fun stuff going abouts. =D So let's just jump right on intooooo...

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Sometimes Shit Just Works Out Like Dat

Well, the pet food demo position turned out to be a bust and my former supervisor didn't have the ladyballs to give me a straight answer. I had to go sleuthing just to find out that the reason I was given for being let go was all a nice tidy pile o' horse-nuggets. Will I ever actually find the REAL reason? No, but ... I can't honestly say I care, at this point. I'm, like ... DONE with dealing with shady companies, and the Rat Race, as a whole. I'm not out of the financially independent game YET, though ... more on THAT as details arise. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging long. ^_~

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Pain Builds Character

Day 4 of the recovery from my 4th and final wisdom tooth extraction. Best one out of the bunch. Fast, painless, and efficient. Would recommend my oral surgeon to ANYONE needing a procedure done. The recovery ... not so much. Thankfully since I only needed 2 small stitches, those fell out on their own yesterday rather fast (they're the kind that fall out on their own without having to be removed by the dentist) and just dealing with the pain of a canker sore on my cheek RIGHT next to my gums, from the surgical equipment and whatnot rubbing against the inside of my cheek (I get sores REALLY damn easily >_<). Stings like hell, but I've been using a medicated mouthwash to keep it from getting worse and been nursing Advil like a junkie (mouth pain triggers my migraines for some reason =/). I wager in about a week's time, I'll be back to normal. It was DAMN worth it, though. I'm finally WISDOM FREE! Err ... wait...

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Check Out The Peanut Gallery!

And in lighter news, still have my own personal furry stalker! It's flattering, really. He actually attempted to make an ED article on me, only for it to be removed hours later, with the ED admin who removed it making fun of him, to boot. Oh, and did I mention that this guy has his OWN ED article?

For the time being, it's amusing, but it's nearing the point where some legal intervention might need to occur. Especially since he's really blurring the lines between "online" and "real life". I have enough of his personal info on standby, though, so if I need to obtain a phone number and home address to turn over to his local authorities, I can. And I think it's only a matter of time before it reaches that point. The saddest part of all? ALL of this ... absolutely ALL of this ... could have been avoided if he knew what the meaning of "tact" and "respect" are. Those eager to learn more about what caused this moron to enter Uber Rage Mode, have a look at my friend Silver's blog:

Interestingly enough, he tried to use my old-ass entries on this very blog as "proof" that he's better than me. Ummm ... lawl? No. Someone who blows a gasket over every little thing, attacks people for not kissing his ass, and obsesses over what others think and say about him is someone to be PITIED (and hated), not ADMIRED. There is absolutely NOTHING even remotely redeemable or likable about the nutcase that is Sniff Heinkel. In fact, lemme set some shit straight in this next top story, since Sniff is likely reading this even as we speak (hi Sniffles! *waves*)...

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Building A Better Tomorrow From The Bricks Of Yesterday

I've gone through some rough patches in my life and brought a lot of pain and shit down on my own head many a time. I've made some pretty bad mistakes and had to atone for them and strive for forgiveness from friends and family (which I have). And yes, I COULD have just deleted those old journals, so that people like Sniff couldn't use my past against me. But I WON'T take them down, because I'm NOT a coward, unlike him (since he feels the need to hide everything any anything he's ever done, so there's no evidence of it). I accept the good AND the bad, and I feel people have the right to know that about me, as well. I've been high, and I've been low. And it's false advertising on my part to show only the parts of me people WANT to see. There's been a darkness, too. And that needs to equal parts be understood AND forgiven. I don't believe in mincing facts just because the truth is a bitter pill to swallow.

I've been a fucking trainwreck. I've hurt a LOT of people, and a LOT of people have hurt me. Life and karma have kicked me down on my ass just as many times as they've built me back up. And I've grown and learned from past mistakes. I had to suffer and sacrifice a LOT to get to where I am today. I leave these old ragtag journals up because -I- need to see them, too. I need to be reminded of how far I've come. And it's all part of my life's story.

I'm Carina Alexandra Rodriguez. I'm a 24 year old Cuban-American woman, born and raised in Miami, Florida, who all her life, has been an artist with a fixation on fantasy, animals, dinosaurs, and imagination. Many times, I've let myself get caught up in the worst of life and let it get the best of me. I've dealt with everything from ridicule, to rejection, to betrayal, to abandonment, to lies, and everywhere in between. It made me very sick and make me do a lot of harm to those who only wanted to love and help me. It also made me do a lot of harm to myself, and almost cost me my life twice, by my own hand. It's been a long and rocky road, bouncing between recovery and relapse; victory and defeat. I've had to give up a lot and fight for a lot of things that others take for granted. It was SO tempting, SO many times, to just give the hell up and settle for trash and garbage in my life, but those who cared about me kept pushing me to keep going. I made a lot of mistakes and pissed away a lot of golden opportunities, but I just fought that much harder to make up for it.

Today, I'm a full-time 3D Animation Student at Robert Morgan Educational Center and a full-time animal foster parent and rehabilitator. I still draw, but while it doesn't bring in money like it used to these days, it will never make me resent what I love and I'll never stop pushing myself to improve. Games remain my lifelong passion, and the furry community still feels like my home away from home. I'm EXTREMELY close to my family, and would never choose to leave my mother and stepfather's side. Wherever they may move to, me and my mate are never far behind. I'm fiercely protective of ALL my family, but my mother is my sacred charge. I'd pay any price to keep her safe. My very first true love is still my forever love, 8 years later, and I wouldn't trade a single day of turmoil and hardship for all the love and laughter we've shared amid it all. He is my other half that makes me whole. After 10 long arduous years of fighting a massive uphill battle against anxiety and depression, I am 100% anti-depressant free, and have full control over my life and my happiness again. It's a day I never--EVER--thought would come, no matter how much I prayed, but it has. And I am IMMENSELY grateful that life has given me the opportunity to fight and overcome those odds and make this this far, because I know a lot of people diagnosed with anxiety disorder and clinical depression never reach this point and ARE reliant on medication their entire lives. So to be able to say that I'm "normal" again? That's a huge step for me and I'm DAMN proud of myself and my family that helped me get here.

It also took me a DAMN long time to learn to love myself unconditionally, but I have. Am I fat? Hell yes. I'm only 5'6" and I weight 254 pounds. Yeah, that's right. I just broke the first rule of womandom--never reveal your actual weight. Ask me if I give a GOD-damn shit. There was a day where I would have run and hid in shame and misery if someone tried to make me feel bad about how I look. And I made myself suffer needlessly with diet after diet because I was CONVINCED that if I couldn't force myself to fit into a size 8, the world would end. It took me a while to get over myself, but ... I eventually had probably the most important epiphany of my entire adult life; you don't stop being you just because you gained a bit of flab. Yeah, the new me is bigger than the old me ... so what? She still laughs at the same stupid jokes, she still plays the same nerdy games, she still loves the same sweet guy ... so what's the damn problem?

While money remains tight, I never lose sight of what's important. Sure, I have to give up a lot of recreational spendings these days, but a penny saved is a penny earned, and I'll reap the benefits of it in the end. What I lack in material wealth, I make up for with an appreciation for what I DO have. Because I had to fight DAMN hard to earn what (and who) I have. NOTHING is ever freely given. Does that mean I don't get any of the stuff I want? Hell no. It just takes me longer than others because I have to save up for it, rather than the impulse buys a lot of people do.

Are there things about my life that I wish were different? HELL yes. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a bigger property with more space for my animals. I wish I lived in a safer place so I could sleep at night knowing my outdoor animals and my human family are safe. I wish a lot of my closest friends LIVED closer to me. I wish for a LOT of things. But sitting around thinking about those things gets me no closer to them. So I'm ALWAYS striving, ALWAYS improving, ALWAYS busting my god-damn ass. Why? Because that's how people ever make anything of themselves. Otherwise you end up with someone like Sniff. Never achieving, always stagnating. Always in the same rut making the same mistakes while doing everything in their power to shift the blame to someone OTHER than themselves. That's no way to live.

If those reading (besides Sniff because he never learns ANYTHING of value) come away from this with anything, I hope it's at least inspiration that regardless of how hopeless life might seem, there is ALWAYS a chance to make it better. It's NEVER too late. Just get off your god-damn ass and MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN.

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THAT bit of soap-boxing done with, this concludes a rather lengthy edition of...

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Til next time, respect yo'self and don't be a sucka, suckas.

-- Synhowl, Your Hispanic Fatass Bearwolf

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