Friday, February 11, 2005

Living Death: The Burden of Existence

I finally crashed and burned the other night...

Turns out that the "shock" from the night the "fling" occured didn't wear off until last Friday. There was a DDR tournament at that very same local arcade. Juan put the whole thing together, so I went, of course--moral support and all that drivel. I managed to keep myself away from those I wanted away, for the most part. But ... "he" was there ... I couldn't even look him in the eye--couldn't even speak to him. I avoided him like the plague. Memories ... regrets ... they all started trickling out through the hairline cracks in my stoic appearence. The poker face held, but deep inside me raged a war for control. By the end of the night, I felt as though I had a noose of barbed wire gradually tightening around my heart. That poker face was becoming a salt bath for a soul already stabbed full of holes ... but I forced it to hold. I vowed to myself that if I was going to break, I was going to break in privacy.

Sure enough, as we got in the car to leave, I lost it. I wanted to die--whether by my own hand or by other means, I just wanted to shrivel up and die. The shame ... the confusion ... the fear ... the hatred--they enveloped me until they were all I could see, hear, smell, feel, and taste. That hodgepodge of torment became me. Nothing existed outside of that. I could feel my soul turning itself inside out ... belching out all the strength, hope, and goodness that ever tried to make itself known within me. My sense of self was purged from me like pus from an infected wound until all that was left was the dry cracked husk. I am ... truly ... empty...

I look in the mirror and I see nothing. Food turns to ash in my mouth. All the water in the sea could not slake my thirst. I feel nothing. Everything that maintains life I am numb to. If I had the will to have emotions, I would despise what I have become ... but such is my burden...

Merely being alive...

-- Synwolf

Current Mood: angry
Current Music:
Nina Gordon - Tonight And The Rest Of My Life

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Descent


If I sound like a bitch today, that's because I'm doing my job right. No more chipper, happy-sounding posts for a nice long while. That means the end to corny quirks such as "Pwang" and "The Daily News, Damnit" until I god-damn feel like playing around again. I am NOT doing well ... Allow me to explain...

Apparently, I'm stupid. I must be. And no one has had to tell me this--I miraculously discovered this phenomenon on my own. Recall, if you will, my previous entry and it's beginning contents. Have it commited to memory? Good. Because guess what--it happened again. Not with same said friend ... but rather an aquaintence from the local arcade I've been known to frequently call a haunt. And allow me to be the first to tell you ... it didn't stop until it was too late--I went through with it. Am I going through extreme self-loathing, anguish, torment, or a sense of guilt so mighty it could crush my bones by its sheer gravity? ........ No. Am I proud or pleased with what I did? Of course not--but I lack the emotional stubburness and determination to belabor myself as before. There really isn't a proper description or explination for my current thought process. I don't feel like trying to kill myself. Don't really feel like wailing and crying and making a big scene. Don't want piss and moan about how miserable my life is, either. I merely intend to close myself off to all but a select few. I'm basically giving myself the right to be a public bitch.

The happy, social, friendly go-getter everyone has become so aquainted with is dead and gone. If they don't like me, tough shit. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I don't want to bother with you, anyway. My social moments are only for those I have come to trust as friends and loved ones. And even then, these happier feelings will only be expressed away from the public eye. To everyone else, I'm going to be the rudest, tight-assed, stindgiest, most anti-social bitch the world has ever known. And that's the way I want it. No, I'm not issuing a "silent cry for help". No, I'm not secretly going home and crying myself to sleep. I'm fine. My bitchiness is an honor I reserve for you--rest assured I'm happy as a clown once I get home. But for you, I grant the favor of being completely put off by my presence. Learn to deal with it.

If I get the inclination to post something here, then I will--only when I feel like it. So don't come to expect anything from me. I'll post when I post. Period. I have a life outside of this.

Okay, I've gotten bored with this--I have nothing more to say.

*flip off*

-- Synwolf

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music:
Seether - Broken