Sunday, December 18, 2005

Belated Misery

Well, day before last, I had been meaning to post, so this copy/paste is a bit late...



A sigh of reason
Along the murmur
Of a malevolent love...
Clutched tightly
To the breast
Of a vengeful spirit
Longing for a closure...
A sting of virtue;
Continuously purged...
Like so much infection
Like the bite
Of a savage beast...
Driven deep
Into the plush softness
Of a ravaged innocence;
Stripped of all dignity
By the solitude
Of an ageless torment...
Whispered in tongues
Passed along
In silence
But knowing;
Always knowing...
That never are we ignorant
Can we not feel
The kiss of the lash
Cruel and sensual
Like a virgin rape...
Groped in the darkness
To be discarded...
We wear our blinders
Like a tourniquet
Against the torrent
Of a thousand angry truths...
Love was never so pure
As the sour spittle
Of a rancid romance
Turned bitter on the tongue
Like a foul curse...
We will forever wretch
Upon that we dare not say
Or confess
Shadows are more honest
Than the human word;
A darkness spent in misery
Praying for a light
In a dismal world of conviction...
That we may be soundly judged
Not by the mettle of our integrity
But by the power
Of our lie...


And yes ... there IS a story behind this. One I'd rather not get into....

I'm so ... blegh ... I don't even have the will or desire to vent. *sigh* Maybe next entry.

Later, losers...

-- Synwolf
Current Mood: listless
Current Music:
3 Doors Down - Love Me When I'm Gone

Monday, December 05, 2005

Here Comes Little Miss Misery...

Worst ... fucking ... week ... ever. EVER. You hear me? EEEEEEEVEEEEER.

I could just go on and on. I really could. I haven't felt this shitty in a long damn while. I'm officially off my contraceptive patch, so now my hormones are all fucked up. The absence of the drug in my blood is making, like, the WORST fucking reaction with my Zoloft imaginable. It's like I'm not even taking the stuff anymore. Because I'm still feeling more fucked up than ever.

I'm a fat piece of shit. I'm at one of my heighest weights ever. Not that I've stood on a scale in months and seen the numbers ... I just feel like complete SHIT. Heavy shit, at that. I can't stop eating. I don't move. At all. It's like I'm doing every possible thing wrong and no matter how much I hate it, the subconcious mind doesn't give three shits. I'm so wound up in my own bludder-reinforced fortress of misery I could just vomit. Hell, that'd be a good thing. Purge out some of this lard from my gut...

I just generally feel like complete crap. I'm fed up with a TON of shit. I feel like my life is on a standstill again and it pisses me off. So much shit I wanna do ... shit I never wanna do again ... it's just all around me. I'm drowning in a big, steaming, pile of fucking horse shit. Fun.

I just want to scream ... just scream until my lungs bleed and then cry my eyes out in a dark corner. All this anger, hate, and misery, and I'm channeling it nowhere. I'm wound up so tight in it, it's become my own personal noose. I'm standing on my own gallows and have yet to yank the lever...

I'm so sick of all this ... for awhile I'm fine, only to JUST as quickly go back to not being fine again. It's like I can wander off a certain distance before I pull on my tether again. Fucking BULL. I'm too fucking miserable to even be suicidal anymore. I don't even want to expend the energy required to slit my own wrists. Maybe my method of suicide has switched to eating my fat ass away until I die of a stroke. It definitely fits the bill of slow and painful. The emotional scarring is certainly a plus.

I don't even know why I come here to blab on and on about the most miserable moments of my weak little life. Like anyone who reads here can do much of anything, aside from "Awww, poor baby!". Fuck me. Fuck my problems. Just fuck EVERYTHING. I'm sick of shit. All of it. I just want to jab a red-hot needle into my eye.

There's tons of very SPECIFIC things bugging the fuck out of me, but I just feel too god-damn pissed to go into detail. I might take an axe to my computer if I tried...

I'm gonna shut the fuck up for now and go back to what I was doing ... wasting my life away...

Fuck the world.

Current Mood: fed up
Current Music:
Evanescence - Tourniquette