Friday, October 01, 2010

An Open Letter


I'm not bailing on the old format again, guys, but what follows has been an emotional storm that's been brewing for ... MONTHS now. I've been hanging onto it, keeping it inside, for both legal reasons and because I lacked the emotional fortitute to commit these thoughts to paper (or blog, in this case), but now ... now it needs to come out. It's directed towards someone whom I sincerely hope I never, ever, EVER have to deal with again a SINGLE living day of my life--either online or in person. NEVER again. One of the absolute worst and eye-opening experiences of all my years on the internet. He made me realize just how scary, creepy, and unstable some people are out there. It's impossible to imagine just how much of a nightmare he is until you've had the EXTREME misfortune of dealing with him.


Dear Sniff,

No doubt by now you've heard of the recent falling out with Allan, and I can't help but wonder ... are you gloating? Are you waiting for an opportune moment at which to heckle us? Are you chanting "I told you so" with all the reverence of a Buddhist meditation mantra? Or ... are you dissatisfied with the outcome? Did he make too much progress to your liking before he fell from grace? Are you displeased about WHAT got him banned? Or even more unsettling a notion to entertain ... has your vendetta against us overcome your vendetta against him, to such an extent, that you'd actually attempt to use and side with him in an effort to do us more harm? It wouldn't be the first act of heretical irony you've committed; you DID, after all, make SilverJackal (Allan's most vocal and hard-fighting white knight) your personal informant and ally, while he let you see classified info on WYS.

After EVERYTHING you have put WYS, FA, Silver, Aurora, Dragoneer, Nakki, AND me through ... I absolutely CANNOT put anything past you. Because even long BEFORE the WYS incident, I have been taken aback by your heinous sense of entitlement, your delight in cruelty, and your COMPLETE lack of boundaries. Because of you ... I have STILL never been able to put my memorial to Daisy back on FA. Your actions tore open SO many crudely-healed wounds, it makes me physically nauseous to realize just WHAT the cost of hurting another human being like that was WORTH to you--over an argument about whether or not a popular internet joke was funny. That borders on psychopathic. The biggest insult of all? You dared ... DARED to try and make me believe that you honest-to-goodness just "picked a photo at random". You must truly think I'm a fool. You were "just looking for a RL photo of me"? At the time that you did that to me, there was one of me RIGHT ON MY FRONT PAGE. In full sight ... plain view. And yet you DELIBERATELY clicked my gallery and navigated TWO WHOLE PAGES back through it just for "any old photo"? I don't buy that for ONE second and never have. You were on the HUNT for something delicate to deface ... something with real sentimental value with which you could inflict maximum damage. You succeeded in spades. Ever since that incident, I've had to start revisiting my psychologist again for the first time in YEARS thanks to that ... All the nightmares, all the waking flashbacks, all the nervous ticks, all the paranoid behavioral patterns and frantic over-protectiveness that I had JUST finally begun getting back under control ... all brought back, because you thought it'd be fitting revenge over an ARGUMENT to vandalize the only GOOD memory I had left of someone who meant more to me than you have the ability to comprehend. That you would dare try to pass that off as a random choice is sickening. That you'd expect me to so easily forgive, forget, and overlook that and "befriend you" afterwards is even MORESO. I let it be because my need for closure was stronger than my need for vengeance. But I've NEVER forgotten that day. Not for a MOMENT.

That's just ONE very core example of your lack of perspective. You'd likely graffiti someone's great-grandmother's mausoleum just for taking your parking space. You'd gleefully commit an emotionally damaging attrocity on another person simply because "you were mad"--nevermind why ... Someone DARED to make you upset. Scorched Earth response. Every time. WITHOUT fail.

WYS is proof of this ... the lengths to which you went to target ME, specifically? All because I told you that if you didn't leave me alone, I would hand over (PUBLICLY available and legally-obtained) information on you to others that would troll you (because I REFUSED to deal with you further), if you did not leave me alone and cease contacting me. The drama that you put me through? The EXACT reason why I preemptively blocked you on FA prior to your ban. EXACTLY the reason why. Only I had NO idea just how truly nightmarish it would all become.

I've never felt so sickened and, quite frankly, violated by someone I've never even met or seen in person. EVER. And I'd thought I'd seen the worst the internet had to offer. You managed to prove me wrong. You managed to make me too afraid to post up RL pictures that might give any clues as to where I lived ... too afraid to go out on my own front yard ... too afraid to even pass by a window in my home without checking to see if I was being watched or if you were waiting for a chance to take your grievances to the furthest of extremes by trying to do me bodily harm. With each passing day, you became creeper and creepier ... and increasingly aggressive. When I found out there were actual assault charges against you and how doggedly you wanted even MORE personal info about me than I -ever- had on you, I hadn't a CLUE just how far you were willing to go. My family spent WEEKS with their firearms within arm's reach in their house. So did I. I'd even programmed the local police department on speed dial. When I saw how far you had gone with Silver? Posting up his PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER and work address for all to see? What reason had I to believe I wasn't next? The VERY next day I was down at that police department with 17 pages worth of printed out screenshots.

I knew I had a serious situation on my hands the moment I saw their reactions to all your "unfunny memes", the sheer CONSTANT TORRENT of hateful images and messages, hour upon hour, day upon day, without falter. They were aghast that someone could have--and maintain--such a violent reaction over something so small and fleeting. It was explicitly told to me by the officer filling out my case report that if it had happened locally? You would have been brought in for questioning. WITHOUT a doubt. The law is fast catching up to the ever-changing battlefield of the internet, Sniff ... LONG gone are the days when only threats of death, violence, or suicide were the only things capable of being acted upon by the law. And in some SMALL way, I think you're beginning to realize this ... the fear instilled in you when the authorities finally contacted you must have been at least MILDLY sobering--even if only briefly. That thought comforts me IMMENSELY.

It doesn't seem to have lasted, however, with your recent acts against this "Catboy" person ... oh, I -know-, Sniff. I always know. And I probably know far more about your continued actions than you'd feel comfortable with. For the MOMENT ... I have allowed the open case against you to remain untouched for the time being, because you have taken no further actions against ME personally ... but that doesn't mean I've ever taken the you out of my scope, nor my finger off the proverbial trigger. One move ... just ONE move on your part that even SMELLS like harassment, and I'd be back down at that precinct; incident report number and more print-outs firmly in hand. You have ABSOLUTELY no self-restraint, self-censorship, and no sense of responsibility whatsoever, so if you won't stop the absurdity, then someone else has to stop it FOR you; the police.

You need to make something of yourself, instead of devoting so much GOD-damn energy towards satisfying your lengthy tantrums. These people you all try to act like you're better than? These "targets" you try to feign dominion over? I'm not JUST a full-time student working towards her dream career. I spend 90% of my day feeding, cleaning, treating, and caring for animals as a foster parent and rehabilitator; with almost the ENTIRETY of my income going towards their food, their medical care, and towards finding ALL of them their Forever Homes--be they with a new family or back into the wild. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. -I- make a difference. Every single day, I'm worrying about the safety and happiness of beings OTHER than myself, while trying to juggle school projects, the occasional commission, and/or temp job, when I get them. MORE than once I've had it come down to buying two week's worth of groceries or the medical care of one of my charges who has taken a bad turn; and I've made the best of it regardless.

I've risked life and limb ... gotten clawed/bitten by grabbing animals bare-handed ... climbed trees ... jumped into lakes ... even stopped traffic, to save more little lives than I can even RECOUNT off the top of my head. And in the end, I try my damndest to bring hope to those who have none, and love to those who have been neglected and discarded. Expecting NOTHING in return.

What have YOU done with your life, Sniff? How have YOU impacted the world around you, or accomplished something worthwhile? In what way have YOU given meaning and purpose to your continued existance on this earth? A career? A goal? A drive to succeed or do the right thing? In what POSSIBLE way do you have the right to try and look down your nose at others, when you can't even make the initiative to do something as simple as letting shit go on the INTERNET, much less do anything tangible or important in the REAL world. Make YOUR life matter before you try and determine the worth of OTHER people's lives. You need to grow up and stop living your life like it's a elementary school playground.

And finally ... having said my piece and purged what memories remained of you from my mind, heart, and soul ... I'm finally free of you. Have a nice life, Sniff ... though little chance of that happening; I know you're determined to ruin yourself and any hope of a happy/meaningful future for yourself, all in the name of petty vendettas and staying hung up on hatred. It's a true and honest shame that you won't see just how far you've fallen in life until your broken body hits rock bottom, in one form or another.

Til We (Never) Meet Again,

Current Mood: resolute
Current Music:
Carrie Underwood - Undo It


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