Monday, July 28, 2008

Reborn, But Not Remade...

Two years. It's been two years...

I wish that I could say life has improved within that time, but it hasn't. Everything that was a problem before remains and new ones have risen to the surface. Like a spirit that just can't move on, I feel trapped in a state of perpetual purgatory. And after so long, all hope and faith that you'll get out just withers away. I can't even feel lost ... because to be lost ... is to say you know where you're meant to be.

So very much time we've lost. Too much, even, to connect from where I was to where I am now. So I'll start from the not-so-distant past, for simplicity's sake.

For the past 4 months, I've worked at Starbucks, a position I've thoroughly enjoyed. Juan remains unemployed, which is an uncomfortable strain, but at least ... money is coming. Or rather ... it was ... Until I had the "luck" of tearing my ankle. It's been more than 3 weeks since I've injured myself, and in all that time, I've been unable to work. And I'll likely miss another 3 before I see the end of this nightmare come. And Juan remains unemployed throughout it all ... I want to believe he's trying his best to find work ... I REALLY do, but I'm just NOT feeling that effort from him. Come to think of it ... I can't say I feel much of ANYTHING from him as of late. It seems the only time he's animated and lively is when everything's a big joke. But when things need to be serious, he's ... empty. Like he doesn't care about anything. Not even a little bit. Sometimes ... I don't even know how he feels about ME anymore. It feels more like we're roommates than lifemates. I've cried so much ... everything feels so hopeless ... EVERY single day, where we're going to find money and what we're going to eat is a mystery. At the same time, there's no end in sight. So what if my leg heals and I go back to my job--I'm still one person trying to tread water with one hand while holding someone else afloat with the other. How much longer can I keep this up...?

Resentment is starting to pool inside of me ... slowly, but surely. There have literally been days, when the anguish is at its worst, that I've wondered if I'd be better off starting fresh with someone else ... A thought that once would have crushed my soul into unmendable, jagged pieces. But I can't go on like this. I CAN'T. I want to be adored, loved, supported ... in EVERY way. Yet there are days he can't even stand my touch, or want to be close to me. I need an anchor, not another drifter. I need him to save me, and he won't ... he can't. He's as lost as I am. It makes me suffer that everything that used to be so wonderful between us has gone cold, seven years later ... I can hardly bear it...

It's been two years since I've posted. And everything's still falling apart.
Current Mood: inconsolable
Current Music:
Evanesence - Missing