Tuesday, October 19, 2010



'Sup, faggots? Just droppin' in again to chew the fat and pass some time. So let's get on to the fun stuff, shall we?

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1,298,466,389,902,021 Sheep And STILL Counting...

I have a job hunting spree that I was intending to undertake today before class (would REALLY like to fuckin' snag a seasonal or something so I have money for gifts during Christmas) and here's the shitty part ... I was planning on heading out the door at, like, 10am and GUESS what fucking time it is! Iiiiiiiit's 7:21am as I'm writing this sentence! And still haven't gotten a wink of sleep. OH RAPTURE! And prolly not gonna be able to squeeze in more than a 2 hour nap when I get home, cuuuuz at 5pm? I gotta be out the damn door for my 3D Animation class. OH BY GOLLY THIS SURE IS GONNA BE FUN DAY! *eyetwitch*

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Mew-Mew News

All the kittens are just grownin' by the day like fluffy lil' weeds. They're runnin' around all over the driveway these days, just havin' the time of their lives. And y'know what's impossible? Being in a bad mood with an armful of kittens. Too damn cute and sweet. ^_^

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Hackity-Hack, Cough Is Back

So yeah, it went away for a few days but then came back with a vengeance when we did some more extensive housework, thus confirming once and for all that this is a goddam dust allergy. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!!! Oh well ... more incentive to get things all squared away and tidy again ASAP, eh? For the sake of my inflamed airway. >_>;;

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H'okay! That about covers it for now. You just survived yet ANOTHER installment of...

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You are now free to go back to whatever it was you were doing at this ungodly hour.

-- Synhowl, Your Cranky Coughing Sleep-Deprived Bearwolf

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

And The Beat Goes On...

*dances around singing* Drums keep poundin' a rhythm to the brain ... lah-dee-dah-dee-dee ... lah-dee-dah-dee-da--huh? *notices you* OH, err ... h-hey there! Eheh ... umm ... oh yeah.


SO! We meet again, my lovelies! Felt like plopping down some updates just to that the "Open Letter" I posted up before wasn't at the top of the page anymore. That and I know all of you are just ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS, yearning to know my every move! .................... Stalkers.

Aaaaaaanyhoo, without further delay, let us mosey on over TO...

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Cough-Cough, Wheeze-Wheeze, Someone Come And Kill Me Please >_<;;

For the past week or so, I've suddenly developed this mysterious cough that keeps getting progressively worse and harder to surpress. It's not a cold because I have no other symptoms ... just this cough. It's beginning to worry me, I admit, and I'm highly considering getting this checked out by a doctor. I'm starting to think it's not just allergies, given how chronic it is, regardless of where I go. That and I'm hearing about other people around who are suffering similarly. I'm actually worried it might be some kind of fungal infection or a respiratory illness going around. This just ... REALLY isn't normal. I've never had this happen before. =/

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Suffering Can Be Its Own Reward

As I mentioned in my last FA journal, I've been art director of a "special ops" project for over 3 weeks now and we're finally nearing the end. The deadline's looming on the horizon, but we're making good time at a solid pace, so I'm not worried. RELIEVED ... but definitely not worried. For as much as I've complained about the process to my family and loved ones, though, I ... can't honestly say I haven't been ENJOYING it, really. At least in part. In fact, I think I might've found my calling.

My stepdad works for a company called Zimmerman Advertising as one of the executive directors there and just the other day, he was talking rather seriously with me about the project I've been working on and he's--much to MY surprise--rather impressed with the work I've done so far and how I've been keeping this thing going forward at a breakneck pace with great results. So much so that when I finally complete my 3D Animation course, complete my portfolio, and receive my certificate of completion ... he's prepared to put in a recommendation for me to work at the company! Umm ... oh my fucking god?

This is PRECISELY what I need to fund my game production project AND provide for my family. Here I thought that even with all my hard work and studying, I'd always be stuck as a starving artist, but ... I have an opportunity to not only get in at the ground floor ... but to HIT that floor running! I'm not gonna lie, I had a good long happy cry after that. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my good fortune. And I hafta marvel at the universe's quirky sense of humor, too. For weeks this special project was driving me crazy and I couldn't wait for it to be over, but ... now? Now I gotta admit I'm ... seeing it through different eyes.

This could be my ... CAREER. Unifying artistic minds ... getting projects done ... collaborating with various types of talent ... an art director for a BIG company. This could be the big break I've been waiting for all along and never knew til now. That's ... immensely humbling. AND exciting. =3

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My Kitten's Keeper

LONG ENTRY IS LOOOOOOONG, PLEASE! Consider yourself warned! XD

Haven't had a chance to mention it yet, but my home-run little "foster center" for animals has hit MAXIMUM capacity for the first time ever in all the years I've been doing this. We have PHYSICALLY run of of places to comfortably and acceptably house all these lil' guys and gals. For awhile now, we were sitting at 6 foster cats and 2 kittens looking for homes. Now? We're sitting at a grand total of 6 foster cats and FOURTEEN kittens that need to get adopted. You heard right; that is a total count of 20 little mouths to feed (and around 5 litterboxes, since some of them share one and some are outdoor kitties) between aaaaaall of 'em. This requires some backstory.

For several years now, we have been caring for a growing "colony" of cats that have come to our property and we have befriended. One by one, we've been taking them to get them fixed, thus ensuring that the population is kept in check and it keeps the truly feral and dangerous/unfriendly tomcats away from our yard (we've also been helping with that by trapping them as often as possible and sending them off to rehabilitation shelters, in hopes that they might be domesticated; we simply can't help them).

The trouble with that process, though ... is that it takes time to win their trust enough to be able to put them into carriers and take them to the clinic. For two of our females, we weren't able to get to the point yet where we could handle them (we could PET them, but they refused to let us pick them up or guide them into the carrier) and before we were able to make a breakthrough, the notorious neighborhood tom got his paws on both of them (I've been trying to trap that bastard for months now >_<;;).

As a result, they both took pregnant at almost the exact same time. Maybe 2 weeks apart at MOST. For the longest time after they had both given birth, we saw NO sign of the kittens whatsoever and thought we may not ever see them until they were much older. BOY were we ever wrong...

About 3 weeks ago ... in the SAME DAY ... both mothers literally LEAD their kittens out of hiding to introduce them to us, already eager and willing to try solid food. The more tamed/trusting mother, Blackie, had the younger litter and thus we've already got her little ones fully-domesticated and EXTREMELY playful and social. They'll thankfully be VERY easy to get adopted. Their names are Bongo, Dottie, Rascal, Tiger, and Angel. The other mother cat, Polly, however is not as trusting as Blackie yet, and thus she and her babies are far more skittish. They come close when there's food and eat without fear, but they only allow the very LIGHTEST and BRIEFEST of touches. We're making progress, though, and they're getting much less fearful with each passing day. Their names aren't all picked out yet, but whe've named the largest and boldest male kitten Dezzy. Next blog I'll see about getting some pictures uploaded of both litters. They're truly gorgeous and beautiful little souls.

OHHHHH but it doesn't end there, though! NOPE!

See ... about a week ago I was getting home from dinner at Taco Bell at around 2am with my mate ... when I hear distressed kitten calls from the back patio of the condemned property across the street. My rescuer instincts kick in, of course, and I head over there with a keychain flashlight, trying to find the source of the desperate-sounding cries. Several minutes of searching later, I find them; a pair of nearly identical long-haired orange tabby twins ... can't be much older than the other kittens we've been looking after. Skin and bones. SCREAMING and crawling towards me for food. No mother in sight, nor other siblings. I literally burst into tears and gathered them into my arms with trembling hands, as my mate helped me take them back home across the street. I got them situated in a kennel with PLENTY of food, water, and a mini litterbox made from a Tupperware container. It wasn't until days later I happened upon a miraculous discovery ... BOTH kittens were, in fact, female. Now ... you gotta understand domestic feline genetics to understand the significance of this. The orange tabby fur coloration--much like the calico (black, white, and orange blotched) and tortoisseshell (black and orange blotched) colorations--are gender based. While calicos and torties are almost ALWAYS female, orange tabbies are almost ALWAYS male. TWO nearly identical (I say "nearly' because the only way to tell them apart is that one is a runt and thus slightly smaller than her sister) orange tabbies BOTH being female? This is like lightning striking in the same exact spot twice. They truly are miracle babies in more ways than one, for surely these sweet affectionate little girls would have perished if I'd not found them that night. We've named them Goldie and Sunny. Photos of them will be coming soon, too.

So as you can see, the Kitty Motel is COMPLETELY out of vacancies. It's ... a labor of love, but it's frightening, too. I need to get these babies into Forever Homes as soon as is humanly possible. If I come upon some other poor little ones that desperately need help ... I can't DO anything for them. Where would I keep them? With what money could I feed and care for them? I'm COMPLETELY tapped out, COMPLETELY out of lodging, and the ONLY reason I've been able to maintain such dutiful care of my little charges is with the amazing physical and financial assistance from my family. My mother, stepdad, mate, and grandparents, have ALL helped in one way or another, whether it's helping me buy food and litter or helping me feed and clean them all. Hell, even my aunt who doesn't live with us brought over a plus-sized bag of kitten chow the other day to help feed all these hungry bellies. I've been truly blessed. It's been a literal ARMY of caregivers.

I love them all dearly, don't get me wrong ... but it's been a LOT to keep up with, on top of everything else on my proverbial plate. >_<;;

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Whoo! So much typing! *blows smoke off pawpads* Weeeelp ... so ends another WAY-too-chatty episode oooooof...

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Stay sexy, ladies and gentlemen. ^_~

-- Synhowl, Your Busy-Busy Bearwolf

P.S.: Using some new temporary stand-on mood icons til I have the funds to get some custom ones made. Got tired of the old ones. XP


Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Deadmau5 - Ghosts 'n' Stuff

Friday, October 01, 2010

An Open Letter


I'm not bailing on the old format again, guys, but what follows has been an emotional storm that's been brewing for ... MONTHS now. I've been hanging onto it, keeping it inside, for both legal reasons and because I lacked the emotional fortitute to commit these thoughts to paper (or blog, in this case), but now ... now it needs to come out. It's directed towards someone whom I sincerely hope I never, ever, EVER have to deal with again a SINGLE living day of my life--either online or in person. NEVER again. One of the absolute worst and eye-opening experiences of all my years on the internet. He made me realize just how scary, creepy, and unstable some people are out there. It's impossible to imagine just how much of a nightmare he is until you've had the EXTREME misfortune of dealing with him.


Dear Sniff,

No doubt by now you've heard of the recent falling out with Allan, and I can't help but wonder ... are you gloating? Are you waiting for an opportune moment at which to heckle us? Are you chanting "I told you so" with all the reverence of a Buddhist meditation mantra? Or ... are you dissatisfied with the outcome? Did he make too much progress to your liking before he fell from grace? Are you displeased about WHAT got him banned? Or even more unsettling a notion to entertain ... has your vendetta against us overcome your vendetta against him, to such an extent, that you'd actually attempt to use and side with him in an effort to do us more harm? It wouldn't be the first act of heretical irony you've committed; you DID, after all, make SilverJackal (Allan's most vocal and hard-fighting white knight) your personal informant and ally, while he let you see classified info on WYS.

After EVERYTHING you have put WYS, FA, Silver, Aurora, Dragoneer, Nakki, AND me through ... I absolutely CANNOT put anything past you. Because even long BEFORE the WYS incident, I have been taken aback by your heinous sense of entitlement, your delight in cruelty, and your COMPLETE lack of boundaries. Because of you ... I have STILL never been able to put my memorial to Daisy back on FA. Your actions tore open SO many crudely-healed wounds, it makes me physically nauseous to realize just WHAT the cost of hurting another human being like that was WORTH to you--over an argument about whether or not a popular internet joke was funny. That borders on psychopathic. The biggest insult of all? You dared ... DARED to try and make me believe that you honest-to-goodness just "picked a photo at random". You must truly think I'm a fool. You were "just looking for a RL photo of me"? At the time that you did that to me, there was one of me RIGHT ON MY FRONT PAGE. In full sight ... plain view. And yet you DELIBERATELY clicked my gallery and navigated TWO WHOLE PAGES back through it just for "any old photo"? I don't buy that for ONE second and never have. You were on the HUNT for something delicate to deface ... something with real sentimental value with which you could inflict maximum damage. You succeeded in spades. Ever since that incident, I've had to start revisiting my psychologist again for the first time in YEARS thanks to that ... All the nightmares, all the waking flashbacks, all the nervous ticks, all the paranoid behavioral patterns and frantic over-protectiveness that I had JUST finally begun getting back under control ... all brought back, because you thought it'd be fitting revenge over an ARGUMENT to vandalize the only GOOD memory I had left of someone who meant more to me than you have the ability to comprehend. That you would dare try to pass that off as a random choice is sickening. That you'd expect me to so easily forgive, forget, and overlook that and "befriend you" afterwards is even MORESO. I let it be because my need for closure was stronger than my need for vengeance. But I've NEVER forgotten that day. Not for a MOMENT.

That's just ONE very core example of your lack of perspective. You'd likely graffiti someone's great-grandmother's mausoleum just for taking your parking space. You'd gleefully commit an emotionally damaging attrocity on another person simply because "you were mad"--nevermind why ... Someone DARED to make you upset. Scorched Earth response. Every time. WITHOUT fail.

WYS is proof of this ... the lengths to which you went to target ME, specifically? All because I told you that if you didn't leave me alone, I would hand over (PUBLICLY available and legally-obtained) information on you to others that would troll you (because I REFUSED to deal with you further), if you did not leave me alone and cease contacting me. The drama that you put me through? The EXACT reason why I preemptively blocked you on FA prior to your ban. EXACTLY the reason why. Only I had NO idea just how truly nightmarish it would all become.

I've never felt so sickened and, quite frankly, violated by someone I've never even met or seen in person. EVER. And I'd thought I'd seen the worst the internet had to offer. You managed to prove me wrong. You managed to make me too afraid to post up RL pictures that might give any clues as to where I lived ... too afraid to go out on my own front yard ... too afraid to even pass by a window in my home without checking to see if I was being watched or if you were waiting for a chance to take your grievances to the furthest of extremes by trying to do me bodily harm. With each passing day, you became creeper and creepier ... and increasingly aggressive. When I found out there were actual assault charges against you and how doggedly you wanted even MORE personal info about me than I -ever- had on you, I hadn't a CLUE just how far you were willing to go. My family spent WEEKS with their firearms within arm's reach in their house. So did I. I'd even programmed the local police department on speed dial. When I saw how far you had gone with Silver? Posting up his PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER and work address for all to see? What reason had I to believe I wasn't next? The VERY next day I was down at that police department with 17 pages worth of printed out screenshots.

I knew I had a serious situation on my hands the moment I saw their reactions to all your "unfunny memes", the sheer CONSTANT TORRENT of hateful images and messages, hour upon hour, day upon day, without falter. They were aghast that someone could have--and maintain--such a violent reaction over something so small and fleeting. It was explicitly told to me by the officer filling out my case report that if it had happened locally? You would have been brought in for questioning. WITHOUT a doubt. The law is fast catching up to the ever-changing battlefield of the internet, Sniff ... LONG gone are the days when only threats of death, violence, or suicide were the only things capable of being acted upon by the law. And in some SMALL way, I think you're beginning to realize this ... the fear instilled in you when the authorities finally contacted you must have been at least MILDLY sobering--even if only briefly. That thought comforts me IMMENSELY.

It doesn't seem to have lasted, however, with your recent acts against this "Catboy" person ... oh, I -know-, Sniff. I always know. And I probably know far more about your continued actions than you'd feel comfortable with. For the MOMENT ... I have allowed the open case against you to remain untouched for the time being, because you have taken no further actions against ME personally ... but that doesn't mean I've ever taken the you out of my scope, nor my finger off the proverbial trigger. One move ... just ONE move on your part that even SMELLS like harassment, and I'd be back down at that precinct; incident report number and more print-outs firmly in hand. You have ABSOLUTELY no self-restraint, self-censorship, and no sense of responsibility whatsoever, so if you won't stop the absurdity, then someone else has to stop it FOR you; the police.

You need to make something of yourself, instead of devoting so much GOD-damn energy towards satisfying your lengthy tantrums. These people you all try to act like you're better than? These "targets" you try to feign dominion over? I'm not JUST a full-time student working towards her dream career. I spend 90% of my day feeding, cleaning, treating, and caring for animals as a foster parent and rehabilitator; with almost the ENTIRETY of my income going towards their food, their medical care, and towards finding ALL of them their Forever Homes--be they with a new family or back into the wild. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. -I- make a difference. Every single day, I'm worrying about the safety and happiness of beings OTHER than myself, while trying to juggle school projects, the occasional commission, and/or temp job, when I get them. MORE than once I've had it come down to buying two week's worth of groceries or the medical care of one of my charges who has taken a bad turn; and I've made the best of it regardless.

I've risked life and limb ... gotten clawed/bitten by grabbing animals bare-handed ... climbed trees ... jumped into lakes ... even stopped traffic, to save more little lives than I can even RECOUNT off the top of my head. And in the end, I try my damndest to bring hope to those who have none, and love to those who have been neglected and discarded. Expecting NOTHING in return.

What have YOU done with your life, Sniff? How have YOU impacted the world around you, or accomplished something worthwhile? In what way have YOU given meaning and purpose to your continued existance on this earth? A career? A goal? A drive to succeed or do the right thing? In what POSSIBLE way do you have the right to try and look down your nose at others, when you can't even make the initiative to do something as simple as letting shit go on the INTERNET, much less do anything tangible or important in the REAL world. Make YOUR life matter before you try and determine the worth of OTHER people's lives. You need to grow up and stop living your life like it's a elementary school playground.

And finally ... having said my piece and purged what memories remained of you from my mind, heart, and soul ... I'm finally free of you. Have a nice life, Sniff ... though little chance of that happening; I know you're determined to ruin yourself and any hope of a happy/meaningful future for yourself, all in the name of petty vendettas and staying hung up on hatred. It's a true and honest shame that you won't see just how far you've fallen in life until your broken body hits rock bottom, in one form or another.

Til We (Never) Meet Again,

Current Mood: resolute
Current Music:
Carrie Underwood - Undo It