Monday, January 23, 2006

Things That Writhe In Darkness

You know why I'm here.

You know what my presence means. That I seldom come here to make idle chit-chat about fun and happy things. No. No, if I'm here, it's because somewhere--somehow--shit has come into contact with the cold, unforgiving blades of the proverbial fan. And you can bet your tight little virgin ass that it has.

Take this time to use the bathroom, grab something to eat, get a pillow for your back ... whatever the case may be. Just clear yourself a large chunk of time, because this entry is going to be a LONG one. You will be here awhile.

Things are going straight to hell in a rapid, downward spiral. It's like for every positive thing to happen, someone equally bad or worse has to counter it. This has been the unspoken rule for most of my life, it would seem. You'd think that at some point along the line, I'd wise up and learn to brace myself for it. But it always sucker punches me. Hope may be a fragile thing ... but it's persistant.

I'm finally in school again. Game Programming--my dream manifested. I'm going to AnthroCon this year, after I've been saying it for the past 7 years or more. Good things, right? Of course they are. But something always seems to chuck orange rinds at my sweet success...

First and foremost--Flippers is gone. The arcade that I've often mentioned in my other entries. It's gone. Literally overnight, it shut its doors forever. This probably seems like a trivial affair, but it isn't. At all. In this, I have lost a reminder, an escape, a reason, and a memory. A massive chunk of my history has been amputated from my life ... I don't know how to cope with that very well. It was the first place--and only place--I ever played DDR ... it's where I met Erik ... it's where I met the love of my life ... it's where SO much in my life has happened ever since. To lose that is the ultimate. But the wound goes so much deeper than that...

I waited too long. I kept telling myself I was going to get back to my normal weight and return to my origin as a DDR freestyler. To pick up where I left off. To eventually get to be as talented as the man I love. But I waited too long. And now that chance--that day of returning--will never come. And for THAT ... I have no one to blame but myself.

Second and runner up--my mother has been unceramoniously dropped like spoiled meat by her boyfriend. Simply because he "can't handle" a relationship right now. Such a load of shit. The way it's going, he basically wants to "be with her" without the "complexities" of an actual relationship ... and full rights to wanderlust as much as he god-damn pleases. All because his life is soooo tragic and soooo hard right now. Wah, wah, wah. He's breakin' my heart. Fucking faggot can shit in his own mouth for all I care, because he is officially no higher up on the evolutionary chain than the scum that forms on bath tub drains. And what makes me even more sick is that she symphathizes and defends his actions ... EVEN when she's crying! EVEN when she's hurting! It's fucking okay, because she "loooooves" him. *gag* Her love is one-sided and ill-received. Because there is NO way in hell he loves her. No. When you love someone, you don't do shit like this for the sheer sake of saving your own ass. I can hardly think of anything MORE selfish.

This all effects me greatly. I've had to watch my mom living in such DEEP denial the last few weeks, it's enough to banish sanity. It's like watching a train wreck. This is ... the fucking WORST. My first logical answer would be to wish he were dead, but even that doesn't seem enough to sate the seething hatred that has burrowed itself deep inside the farthest core of my belly. I feel like I'm watching someone get raped while tied up. It's fucking killing me. And it's fucking her up big time. I know it. Yesterday was the first time in almost a week that she remembered to make dinner. And hell, I rarely SEE her anymore. She's turned into a hermit. And she's getting into arguements with her mother CONSTANTLY. She's falling apart-- know it. And I don't want to be there when the last piece finally hits the floor. But the worst part is that I know I will be...

I'm trying SO hard to cling to whatever small joys and happiness life tries in vain to provide ... but when shit like this happens, there really just isn't much you can do to climb out of a ditch this deep.

So I really just don't know anymore...

Current Mood: broken
Current Music:
Drowning Pool - Let The Bodies Hit The Floor