Ghosts Of Bygone Days...

Up until yesterday, I have had "issues" with my father. Having laid all cards down on the table and everything crystal clear, all is well ... I hope ... I'm mostly doing it for my 7 year old sister. She needs me in her life very much ... so I'm going to be there for her. I had no older sister looking after me when I was her age ... having someone besides my mother to turn to would have made things so much easier ... someone who understands me from a more direct level. I want to make sure Shakira has that in her life. She won't be alone, the way I was...

The reunion aside, I've been ... oddly depressed as of late. I cry much easier than I usec to and I'm much more sensitive than I used to be. I'm unable to handle even the smallest of hostility or confrontation from my family. I feel myself darkening again. This can only mean one thing ... I'm entering a new "phase".

What does that mean? Basically, I go through an intense period of doing my best to act as disturbing and frightening as possible in a public setting ... but with each new "phase", I up the anties or simply change my style altogether. I'm going goth/pagan this time. I'm working on several organicly-composed pieces of jewelry. Most--if not all--of them are comprised of bones (human or otherwise), feathers, and fur. I plan to be doing many henna and temporary tattoo applications that are tribal/wiccan in nature. Also many demonic/evil symbolisms wherever I can squeeze them in. I want to be the Christian/Catholic world's worst nightmare. I want to essentially be the plague of religion, itself.

I despise religion ... it breeds fear, contempt, and confusion ... It forces free minds to adhere to a common idea without any hope of individual growth. For as much as the "claim" that you are 'free to pursue your own way", that only applies to those who "choose" to pursue THEIR way. So there is, in truth, no freedom at all. It's sickeningly strutctured ... over-zealious and bigoted ... No, I am not a Satanist. Lucifer doesn't get my loyalty, either. I'm good when I want to be good. I'm evil when I want to be evil. Although more often than not, I like to be evil, but I do on ocassion do good things. Just to shake things up. By and large, I would much rather bring chaos and destruction to the civilized world. I'm the kind of person who will laugh at someone's horrendously broken leg. I get off on watching people drain huge, painfully swollen wounds filled with thick pus. Do I maim and torture? Not yet, but someday that will change.

I feel safe this way. I have a constant terror of being mistreated and hurt, so to counter it, I lash out before they can. Deep down, yes, I am fragile. But on the outside, I'm capable of horrific things ... and I won't even bat an eye. If driven to it, I could probably kill somone if I had to. Would I regret it? Not in a million years. At the very least, I want to beat the ever-loving crap out of someone someday. I wouldn't hesitate to do so. Do I long for conflict? Absolutely. Wherever I can create anarchy, I will.

The wearing of animal/human parts as jewelry symbolizes my disregard for life and death. It's all flesh to me. It counts for nothing. By wearing death, I mock it. The only thing I respect are my own desires. Everything that needs to be done to get them--all the people I hurt and the things I break--is merely collateral damage. Does that make me a cold, heartless bitch? Decide for yourself.

Many things are working to my favor now. My father has given me $2000 to buy myself whatever I want/need. He's paying for my car, college, and laser surgery for my vision (I wear glasses). I'm getting my very own kitten in about a month. All in all, I am pleased with the way things are going. If only life could always treat me this well...

Laters... *flip off*

-- Synwolf

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