Thursday, September 29, 2005

Complacency Within My Own Inadequacy...

My conditions improved only to just as rapidly plummet again. Hurray for my talent for failure--go me.

I'd first like to comment in regards to my OTHER comment on my last entry. In retrospect, it was an idiotic reason to have a pissfit. I had no idea that these "misfit postings" were becoming such an epidemic--an accidental one, no less. Confounded fake Google pages ... In any case, upon learning the truth behind the sudden torrent of such misplaced comments, it dawned on me that my wrath was pitifully misplaced--in fewer words, I suck.

For almost a month, I had an awesome job ... I was an Office Assistant for a medical school called Medvance, making $9 an hour on full-time hours, often working overtime. I was flustered and exhausted as shit, but in financial heaven for the first god-damn time in my stunted life. But of course ... as we know ... circumstance has a funny way of pulling the rug out from under me when things are starting to level.

Apparently, my position was temporary, despite the fact they never told me this--which they technically HAVE to. I have shit to pay for. Internet, for example. Which I UPGRADED, since I had no reason to think anything beyond what they had originally told me--that my position was full-time. Not "full-time until we don't need you anymore". That's BULLSHIT. So for the past week and a half, I've been "floating", to see if they're going to cover their corporate asses and "invent" a new job for me. Here's where it gets fun. For reasons unknown, the head of the school RESIGNED today. So ... NOW I went from waiting on the decision of a specific person ... to wondering who the hell IS deciding my fate now. This officially sucks WORSE. Fate must not want me to have any money. Because I keep running into shit snags like this every ... single ... fucktastic time.

Now then ... in a somewhat unusual fashion, I'm going to write direct "messages" to specific people I've often thought about lately. To my knowledge, all the people in mind still actively read this journal, despite whether or not they comment.

You have no obligation to me whatsoever, as far as following my "progress" (or lack thereof) and offering your support and comfort. Considering that we have remained uncomfortably out of touch for so long ... I often feel very bad about that. I try to tell myself it doesn't bother me, for the sheer sake of shaking off guilt, but the truth remains that it DOES get to me. And so I just ... want to make sure that you know that you're NEVER forgotten by me. And your continued loyalty to someone as fargone as me never escapes my notice. You're still as appreciated as ever, Kit ... and just as loved...

I hate how we keep drifting out of contact so often ... I was the last person betwixt the two of us to send out a form of contact. You never replied to my last email ... and I can only hound you for so long without avail. I can understand that you work odd and long hours, but ... I just wish that if you were genuinely interested in having my company, that you'd work a little harder to maintain it...

You never did respond to my initial email, beyond the small base-touching to let me know that you were in the middle of moving preperations. I was expecting to then hear back from you, two weeks later, but ... that never happened. I truly meant what I said about missing your friendship and the closeness we used to have. I've been choking in the dark ... Just about anyone whose ever cared for me has turned away from me, or me from them. And I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be alone with myself anymore ... I'm slowly beginning to resent the sound of my own voice ... and the sight of my own reflection ... I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I just hope you didn't forget about me ... and that you're alright...

I feel like such a cheap excuse for a friend, considering the fact that the only time we ever talk or communicate anymore is through Juan, one form or another. The closest thing we have to genuine contact beyond that is reading each other Bloggers ... A bit cheap and lazy on our part, don't you think? These four walls start to feel like a prison before long ... they already do ... I really wish we would hang out more. Even if it's just something as simple as going out for coffee. I just wanted to take the chance to say ... I miss you...

I just wanted to clear the air a bit, and address those I've wanted to talk to personally and sincerely for a long, long while. You all matter to me ... lost deep within my angsty ramblings and woeful tales, I do think of those that matter. And you guys matter. I'm tired of having my priorities all fucked up. I wanted to take the chance to remind you all that you're still nestled down in the soft, squishy bits, beneath the snarling, biting suit of lupine armor--where the heart is. And no matter how bad it gets, that's where you're going to stay...

It feels good to be reminded that somewhere in the muck of hardship, there are bright beacons shining through to remind me that all isn't nearly as hopeless as it often looks ... Even if you don't realize what it is you're doing, you have my most devoted thanks...

And now ... for the first time ... in SO long...

Love and Happiness, everyone...

-- Synwolf

Current Mood: reflective
Current Music:
Nickelback - Photograph


Blogger `manx said...

I miss you too, sweetie.... T.T We need to hang out and chum it up like we used to... you've always been that groovy DDR chick with the hat to me.

The only reason we communicate only though Juan is because if you have a private phone, I don't know it's number. -.-

We need to make time for each other. And we will. *HUGGLES*

5:51 PM  
Blogger Synwolf said...

*nuzzles* I have a seperate ringtone, but not an actual seperate line. But it's activated from an individual phone number.

Don't want to be tossing out phone numbers online, obviously, so I'll email it to you.

*HUGS tightly*

11:54 PM  

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